Once again, I’ve let far too much time pass between posts.
I’ve continued to try (and fail) in my adjustment to family life in the
suburbs…there are just too many unwritten rules that I never got the memo
on. Of course, there’s the possibility that most parents are as clueless
as Tony and I and they just play it off a little better, but I’m not so
sure. Our most recent foray into the land of the lost was planning my son
JD’s first birthday party. Now, first off…my daughter Lily’s 1st
birthday was much easier because we did what all good parents in New York City
do…we had a party in a bar. Done. Easy. (sorry Lily…we owe you one)
–
but, to be fair to Tony and I…Lily’s birthday, Tony’s birthday and my birthday
all fall within the same 2 week period, so – it was one big outing for all
three of us. (okay, yes…we suck – my daughter had her first birthday in a
bar) – but wait…before you judge, there were also TWO family parties for Lily’s
first birthday, one in Texas and one in New Jersey, so we’re not total
failures.
Anyway…back to JD’s 1st birthday. The fact that we
now have a backyard (YAY!) became the focus of everything in my warped
mind. When we were looking to move out of New York City and buy a house,
I kept saying three ridiculous things: 1) where will we put the Christmas tree
2) Do you think it feels haunted and 3) we need to buy a house in time for JD
to have his 1st birthday party outside in a backyard.
So, admittedly, I’m a little crazy to begin with, but now fast-forward to the
planning of said birthday party. Considering the fact that JD’s party was
not even really that big, really just family and a few close friends, I’m still
in shock about the amount of mind-loss that went on in my house leading up to
it. The pinnacle of which happened the day before the party… at Party
City.
We decided that the theme of JD’s birthday-party-in-the-backyard
would be Thomas the Tank Engine, because he likes Thomas the Tank Engine, and
because it’s a popular enough character that he’s easy to find in most stores
(cut to a montage of Sue furiously scooping up Thomas merchandise everywhere
she goes. There’s Sue running into Foodtown for milk, and buying $30
worth of Thomas paper plates, napkins and cups….There’s Sue stopping at Target
for diapers, but can’t get out of the store without quickly grabbing every
Thomas streamer, banner and tablecloth on the shelf….) 
– but Party City…ahhhhh
Party City, that’s where the buying nonsense hit its peak. Mistake #1 was
going to Party City in the first place. There’s just too much to choose from
for someone like me. It’s like when I’m faced with an 8 page Diner menu
and I just shut down, my brain can’t handle all the choices…
so when I was in
there just wandering around completely overwhelmed and Tony called from the
parking lot to ask just what in the name of God was taking so long, I told him
to just get the kids out of the car and come inside. That was my 2nd
mistake, and most costly. Including my daughter in any kind of shopping
trip that involves anything that could remotely resemble a toy is an
error. Basically anything in the store that was pink and shiny and lit
up, she wanted it….so there’s that. Second, I don’t know about normal
adults and how they act, but when you put Tony and I in an aisle full of
THOUSANDS of small plastic toys (for the purpose of stuffing kids goodie bags)
–
you can just sit back and watch complete nonsense take over. Of course
we could not agree on anything and were having serious discussions about the
validity of each of our choices…like crazy people. I think the highlight
of the shopping trip was probably when Tony was literally screaming the words,
“…because Sue…ALL kids love kazoos, THAT’S WHY!!!!” – That was probably the
part where the staff was starting to consider whether or not the Zertuche
family should be allowed to continue their stay at Party City.
I’m sure
one look at the hundreds of dollars worth of Thomas The Tank Engine merchandise
in the cart helped our cause.
In any event….one piñata, 4 bags of candy,
6 giant helium balloons, 1 giant inflatable clown, untold numbers of Thomas the
Tank decorative items and dozens of small plastic choking hazards for our
guests later (and yes…we got the kazoos), we finally made our way up to the
register. It was late August at the time, but already the front of the
store was full of Halloween decorations, and there was some kind of talking
skeleton near the door. It scared my daughter to death, and she has vowed
never to return to Party City again, which is probably for the best. She
wants a Sleeping Beauty birthday party this year, but has assured me that we
can find everything we need at Target. Partially from fear of returning
to Party City, home of the talking skeleton, and partially because the poor
thing probably still thinks we can’t embarrass our entire family there.
She’ll learn…
