Chapter 18 - Livin' the Dream

So, here we are – smack in the middle of our second month in the suburbs and we’re trying our best to fit in to our new surroundings.  We’ve had a few massive fails, and we’re sure to have more – but here’s a few for the moment.

1 – Meeting the neighbors

Tony really wants to have a beer with the guy next door.  He seems like a very nice guy, he also has a couple of little kids, our yards are touching and our houses are about 25 feet apart, so…clearly we want to get along.  But Tony wants more than that, just a bit more…he just wants to stand outside and drink a beer with this guy.  That’s it…just that simple.  One night through our dining room window we saw our neighbor putting two steaks on his grill.  He was wearing a white v-neck undershirt and what I believe were his shorts, but which Tony thinks were his underwear (we’re deadlocked on this).  In any event – he walks out to his backyard, puts his steaks on the grill and drinks a beer while he waits for them to cook.  Tony watched him and after a few minutes said he wanted to go outside in his boxers with a bottle of beer in his hand and say the phrase “livin’ the dream”.  I guess it’s a guy thing, or maybe Tony’s just weird – but, I begged him not to do it.  I think the neighbor would find it a bit odd, we don’t even know him yet, I don’t think we’re at the level of discussing “the dream”, whatever that may be.   Later in the week we returned from our  friends’ house with their lawn mower on loan (thank you Sara and Meghan!)  We were in a rush to mow the lawn since it was getting super high and out of control and it was about to start raining.  We pulled into the driveway and as we were getting out of the car, here comes the neighbor…omg, with a 6-pack in his hand!! – Tony said, “hey – we just got the word we should be closing on the house this week!” (since we still didn’t actually own the house at that time) – and the neighbor says, “great, congrats – wanna beer?” – this is it! – all he’s been waiting for!!!  And Tony says, “well, I uh…I have to mow”.  I have to mow!   I have to mow?  Tony was having his own “I carried a watermelon” moment and all I could think was : NOOOOOO!  This was his big chance and he blew it!!! – I just hope he gets a second chance!

2 – Making the house look presentable

As I said, we didn’t actually own the house for the first month we lived here (we have since had our closing and officially own it now) .  One set back after another and I guess that’s just what happens when dealing with short sales and foreclosures and things like that.  If you have the time and the patience, you can get an amazing deal – but man does it require a lot of time and patience.  In any event, we were basically like really obvious squatters….But the neighbors didn’t know this.  They probably just thought we were too lazy to remove the realtors “for sale” sign off the lawn and the lockbox off the front door.  A month into it and I’m sure they were wondering just what the hell we were waiting for. Because I didn’t want them to think that we’re just weird or lazy, every time we met a new neighbor I would quickly blurt out “we don’t actually own the house yet!” (in other words we’re not just lazy a-holes who can’t even be bothered to take down the for sale sign!) – This was also an attempt to let them know that there was a reason why we hadn’t mowed the lawn yet.  I was not about to pay hundreds of dollars for a lawnmower if the whole deal was going to fall through and we might not even get the house.  After a door-to-door cable salesmen (didn’t know that still happened by the way) told me that the lawn looked “just awful”, we knew something needed to be done.  I have opted not to use his services, by the way – not the best tactic when doing door to door sales calls….  So, as I said we borrowed a mower and at least we have that bit of business taken care of (we just mowed around the for sale sign of course…..sigh!!!)

3 – Getting the kids ready for school

Lily and JD are both doing really great at their new daycare.  JD is cool just about anywhere, so he’s been totally fine.  The only negative comment that Lily’s teacher has for us on a regular basis is that she won’t eat her lunch.   The teacher suggested as nicely as she could that maybe we could try “something fun like chicken nuggets” the same day that Tony said he would pack her lunch (for the first time…and subsequently, the last) – So, the next day Lily opens her lunch bag and has a small bowl of wild rice, 2 tomato slices, chicken pulled off the bone (mostly dark meat, no less) and a small buttered roll.  (just the lunchables that every kid craves, right?) It looked like we sent her in with the leftovers from the early bird special –
Now, that said – we have always tried very hard to make sure that lily eats a very healthy diet, but tomato slices and wild rice?  A buttered dinner roll?  She’s not 90 and she certainly doesn’t need to be on a diet – so, the end of that story is that Tony is no longer allowed to pack Lily’s lunch. 

4 - – We killed a squirrel

And by “we” I mean Tony.  So, one morning shortly after he left for the bus he sends me a text message that said “I think I just scared a squirrel to death” – now, I take this for the figure of speech I assume it is meant to be and don’t give it much thought.  Until an hour later when I’m pulling out of the driveway to take the kids to the daycare and there on the sidewalk right in front of our house is a dead squirrel, it looked like a prop, laying on its side, small pool of blood around his mouth (so so sad) – and I call Tony, “you mean you actually KILLED it???” – He says, “Didn’t you get my text???”- and I say, “I thought it was a figure of speech!!!” – Here’s what went down.  Apparently when Tony left that morning he slammed the front door and right at that moment the squirrel fell off the wires out front and smashed down on the sidewalk.  Tony’s description was that it was as if “a Giant picked him up and slammed him down to the ground” (which is just weird, but I don’t change the quotes, I just report the facts) – It’s very sad that a squirrel died, so please don’t think I’m making light of the subject, but – that night when Tony tried to pick it up to dispose of it, I filmed it because at one point it was so reminiscent of a scene from Family Guy.  Unfortunately, it was too dark and you can’t see anything that I filmed – but, for your reference, it went a bit like this:  

5 – I killed two birds (with one minivan)

Yes, a bit of valuable information snuck in there…we bought a minivan.  I wasn’t really ready to share that bit of information yet, but since it was the vehicle with which I hit two birds, it’s relevant.  It’s a Honda Odyssey.  Tony calls it the end of our youth, I call it “The Hottesy” because unlike my husband, I have not given up yet.  My Hottesy, incidentally, comes with a ridiculous amount of cup holders, so anyone looking for a ride (with multiple beverages) just let me know when and where you need to go.   And yes, the other day coming home from the day care, TWO birds flew into the front of the minivan at the same time : (

Hey, here's a picture that actually does "kill two birds with one stone" in that it shows off our new sweet ride, and also our unkempt lawn all in one shot  (a frolicking lily serves as visual bonus material)

So, that said – the four of us are continuing to do our best to fit in here in our new lovely little town.  We’ll continue to fail, I’m sure – but, in the meantime I’d definitely give JD the most points for keeping his cool, Lily’s a very close second, and I don’t think I have to tell you who’s dead last:  the squirrel-killer who packs his kid's lunch like she’s an overweight senior citizen  - -I won’t be too hard on him (for now anyway) because I am really very happy for him that he’s livin’ the dream.