Chapter 23 – 

"I already got 15 likes on facebook!!! - ummm…where are the kids???"

So – this past weekend we took our second trip to our local autumnal mecca of all things hay/corn/pumpkins/etc…or, as I now like to call it, Parents Fall Photo Op 2012.  

There was a pumpkin patch, a hayride, a corn maze, a hay-bale maze, pony rides, and something called a “straw crawl”  -

Here's a picture for your reference... ( for I too am guilty of exactly that which I am about to make fun of)

There’s also giant wooden scenes meant for the sole purpose of photo ops, even those ones with holes where you are supposed to put your face…let the high-jinx begin....  

You can't just get a pumpkin anymore, oh no no no no no, you need to document the adventure in 20 different places along the way.

Okay, so anyone who is "friends" with me on facebook knows that I am guilty of taking and posting an obnoxious number of pictures of my kids.  There are those who post pics of their dinner, those who tell you EVERYTHING they're doing every moment of the day and check in everywhere they go, those who start political arguments or passive aggressively fight with people who have wronged them in some way, there's the movie quoters, the lyric quoters, the play-by-play sports updaters and funny Seinfeld-style observers, and my personal favorite, the pouty lips in their bathroom mirror pics, just to name a very few…
(She does look lovely though, doesn't she?  If I got all dolled up in my best Snookie t-shirt and smushed my face up like that, I think I'd feel the need to document it as well...)

Anyway, so we all know the various facebook-offenders and where we lie in the hierarchy.  I’ve been guilty of some of these offenses (and more) at one time or another, but none more so than the high-volume-of-kid-picture-posting.  I do it all the time.  However, even as I realize and admit this about myself, I recently encountered a ridiculous phenomena that makes me look exceedingly normal by comparison (and I love discovering people who make me feel normal by comparison) –

They are those parents, (and sorry ladies, they were mostly mom’s) who are so completely and totally absorbed and obsessed with taking photos and posting them on facebook, that they are neither experiencing nor enjoying the event they are documenting.  I’ve seen these folks from time to time, but I saw them EN MASSE at the autumnal extravaganza this past weekend.  It was like they were all meeting there for a convention, a picture taking/facebook posting convention.   Now, as I’ve said, these fall-fun places are screaming PHOTO OPPORTUNITY, they really are, but I swear there were some people there who seemed like that’s truly all they cared about.  Fun for the kids was most definitely the secondary concern for these crazy broads.  (again…sorry ladies, I know there are nutty dads out there too, but this particular day, the offending parties I witnessed all happened to be women) –

The most blatant that I observed was a woman who was taking pictures of her kids climbing up what this place called the “straw crawl”.  I spotted a group near us with a couple parents and several kids who all seemed to be there together.  The kids were climbing up the straw crawl while this one lady took picture after picture after picture after picture with her phone.  She would then immediately post each picture on facebook. How do I know this?  Because she kept telling another woman in her group every time she got a “like” or a comment on one of the pictures.  She was talking about the "likes" on her 1^st picture, while she posted her 5^th, then took her 10^th, then posted that, then back to a discussion about the comments on her 3^rd.  Hard to keep up with?  Imagine you’re her!  What a mental workout!  Instead of watching and enjoying her kids having fun and running around in the mazes and crawling on straw, she stared at her phone the entire time.  I mean, the entire time.  From what I could see, the only time she even looked at her kids was through the screen on her phone to capture the next shot.  When she had sufficiently posted, labeled, commented and tagged every shot to her satisfaction, she looked around for her kids only to find that they were no where to be seen.    I’m guessing it was somewhere around shot 15 that they just took off. 

I’m happy to report that all her kids were eventually located.  I know this because unfortunately for me I ended up behind them in the very   l o n g   pony ride line.  Here she was filming little videos of her kids on the ponies, which I can only assume were promptly posted on facebook as well.   But, at least while she was filming their videos, she was forced to actually observe her kids in action, having fun.  And as I said, she was one of MANY.  Camera phones were the one accessory no one was without that afternoon.

Yes, I know, I know…for those of you that are reading this saying, “hello kettle?” remember that I did admit that I too am guilty of this, however I like to at least interact with my kids and enjoy these fun moments in time, one quick picture and then we’re back to having fun…of course the posting and facebooking can happen later ;)

So yes, when I stop to ask myself …. Wait, do I know anyone who’s guilty of taking and posting too many pictures of their kids, I’m faced with this image…

Thanks JD…I almost forgot.  Guilty as charged.

Chapter 22 - Halloween: A Chance to Dress Like A Whore

I was never that big on Halloween, just wasn’t my thing.  I loved it as a kid, but as I got older, I just didn’t get into it. Well actually, there was one Halloween party I went to in college where I dressed like Helen Roper and won a prize…that was fun…

but other than that, I never really dressed up for Halloween in my adult years.  However, now that I have kids, I LOVE Halloween.  I still don’t have any desire to dress up, but I love Halloween for them.  JD is only a year old, so he’s still at the age where I decide what he’s going to be, and he’s too young to complain about having to wear a coat over his costume (that dreadful obstacle that all kids in cold climates must endure), but Lily is SO excited about it and she has been talking about it and figuring out what she’d like to be this year since about mid-July.

Seeing as this is her first Halloween in the suburbs, I am most excited about the trick or treating.  With all due respect to our beloved New York City, trick-or-treating there is one thing I definitely will NOT miss.  I’m sure there are parents and kids out there that love what the city has to offer for Halloween, so I mean no disrespect to your fun and your traditions, but I HATED it.  Since you can’t really get into other people’s apartment buildings, your options are to knock on doors in your own building (and no one answers…not in our building anyway), or what most of the kids in our neighborhood on the Upper East Side did was go to local bars, restaurants and stores.  This is exactly as awkward as you might imagine, because not all local bars, restaurants and stores participate in trick-or-treating.  Basically you have to wander in, costumed-child in tow, stand there awkwardly until someone working there acknowledges you and either tells you yes, we are participating in trick-or-treating, or no, we are not.  This routine made my skin crawl.  Walking in, I felt like some kind of beggar, on edge and ready for the possible rejection of them looking at us like we are complete fools for coming into a clothing store, sushi restaurant or sports bar expecting them to give us candy.  So, I made Tony go in first and ask.  I just couldn’t handle the rejection, and it was certainly no fun for Lily to go into a place only to find out we’re not getting anything.  Some of the stores (God Bless Them!) would put out a sign that said, “Trick or Treaters Welcome”, which was the greatest thing ever…but, not enough of them did that,  the rest left you guessing.  So, Tony would go in, check with the hostess, bartender, guy-behind-the-counter, whatever…and then give us the thumbs up or down.  For the record, most of the bars and restaurants we went into participated.  About ½ of the stores did.  Delis, bakeries, drug stores, etc....most of them had something to give the kids.  (Big thumbs up to our favorite bakery Orwashers, who gave out big chocolate bat cookies….that were SO GOOD)

YAY ORWASHER'S!

 So, when we walked past an adorable kids bookstore, I said to Tony, “You don’t have to check, I’m sure they’re doing trick-or-treating”  and we walked in.  Lily walked her little Sleeping Beauty self up to the guy working there, held up her little plastic pumpkin and said “Trick or Treat!” and the guy behind the counter (we’ll call him “A-Hole”) …A-Hole looks at me and says, “I don’t have anything for her”, and he did not say it in a nice way, he said it  like…why are you coming into a store expecting free things for you kid.  I guess A-Hole didn’t know that it was Halloween and that he works in a KIDS book store – I mean...you're open, on Halloween...aren't most of your clientele little kids?  If you do have any customers coming into the bookstore that night they will most likely be CHILDREN, and since it’s Halloween won't most CHILDREN be in costumes and quite possibly trick-or-treating??? I mean, the bar next door to you is giving out candy to kids and you're not?? What a jerk – I was so mad, and it wasn’t just because he wasn’t prepared to give out candy, he just had such a bad attitude about it.  I’m sure he spent the night rejecting kid after kid and hopefully he eventually ran to Duane Reade for a stupid bag of candy to give out.  Anyway, so ….clearly I will not miss that upper east side trick-or-treating this year.  That said, there are lots of parades and activities and fun things for kids to do in New York City on Halloween, we just didn’t really do any of them.  Instead we made the bad choice to trick-or-treat in the various businesses on the UES, and I hated every minute of it.  SO…now that we are in the suburbs, I’m so excited to take the kids trick-or-treating door to door, without the anxiety that we will be turned down!

So….next thing we had to do was figure out costumes.  While JD is still young enough for me to decide, he’s going to be a tiger.  The suit looks ridiculously cute on him, and it will keep him very warm, so done and done….easy breezy.

As for Liliana….Coming off her 2011 tour as Sleeping Beauty, Lily has decided that this year, she will be Rapunzel.  (We’ll probably just work our way through the Disney Princess catalog year by year).  So, Rapunzel it is, purple dress, long blonde braid, purple plastic pumpkin covered in stickers check check check... Now, as I’ve said, I have not been that big on Halloween for many years, so it’s been awhile since I’ve made my way through the costume aisle of any store and until now, I’ve never looked up Halloween costumes online.  And looking at Halloween costumes in store and online, I’ve noticed a few truly scary things. 

It is not new that some “ladies” like to dress like hookers on Halloween.  That’s been going on forever, and I’m certainly not the first person to notice it or find it hilarious.  Though I’ve often wondered what that’s all about.  I suppose there are some girls out there that deep down really want to dress like a whore, but they know that’s not really all that cool, so Halloween is their one chance during the year to dress slutty in public, and it’s sort of socially acceptable.   So, okay…whatever their reasons are, it’s not for me to judge, but what I have noticed recently as I’ve been looking at Halloween costumes for the first time in years is WHY are the slutty costumes now available in popular childrens characters?? I mean we’re all familiar with  your typical slutty nurse, dirty gypsy or the classic French maid, but Slutty Strawberry Shortcake?  (also, on sale apparently)

Slutty Snow White?

And my personal favorite…slutty one-eyed purple monster?
What is this thing??

 Just WHO is it that you’re trying to attract?? If you are at a Halloween party or a bar, and you’re dressed like Slutty Angry Birds, Slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (which seriously cracks me up) or Slutty SpongeBob and that attracts a certain type of guy…is that really a guy you’re interested in, Slutty Raphael?

The guy whose attention you got because you are masquerading as the whore version of Minnie Mouse?

Then again...it's Halloween, and it's all in good fun, and I'm starting to feel like everything I just wrote makes me sound grumpy and old.   So, go for it girls, dress like whores and have fun doing it.  However, parents beware...when your little girl tells you she wants to be Princess Lea, and you're picturing this...

it won't be too long before she really means this...

Chapter 21 - I Lost My Mind At Party City

Once again, I’ve let far too much time pass between posts.  I’ve continued to try (and fail) in my adjustment to family life in the suburbs…there are just too many unwritten rules that I never got the memo on.  Of course, there’s the possibility that most parents are as clueless as Tony and I and they just play it off a little better, but I’m not so sure.  Our most recent foray into the land of the lost was planning my son JD’s first birthday party.  Now, first off…my daughter Lily’s 1^st birthday was much easier because we did what all good parents in New York City do…we had a party in a bar.  Done. Easy. (sorry Lily…we owe you one)

 – but, to be fair to Tony and I…Lily’s birthday, Tony’s birthday and my birthday all fall within the same 2 week period, so – it was one big outing for all three of us.  (okay, yes…we suck – my daughter had her first birthday in a bar) – but wait…before you judge, there were also TWO family parties for Lily’s first birthday, one in Texas and one in New Jersey, so we’re not total failures.

Anyway…back to JD’s 1^st birthday.  The fact that we now have a backyard (YAY!)  became the focus of everything in my warped mind.  When we were looking to move out of New York City and buy a house, I kept saying three ridiculous things: 1) where will we put the Christmas tree 2) Do you think it feels haunted and 3) we need to buy a house in time for JD to have his 1^st birthday party outside in a  backyard.  So, admittedly, I’m a little crazy to begin with, but now fast-forward to the planning of said birthday party.  Considering the fact that JD’s party was not even really that big, really just family and a few close friends, I’m still in shock about the amount of mind-loss that went on in my house leading up to it.  The pinnacle of which happened the day before the party… at Party City.  

We decided that the theme of JD’s birthday-party-in-the-backyard would be Thomas the Tank Engine, because he likes Thomas the Tank Engine, and because it’s a popular enough character that he’s easy to find in most stores (cut to a montage of Sue furiously scooping up Thomas merchandise everywhere she goes.  There’s Sue running into Foodtown for milk, and buying $30 worth of Thomas paper plates, napkins and cups….There’s Sue stopping at Target for diapers, but can’t get out of the store without quickly grabbing every Thomas streamer, banner and tablecloth on the shelf….) 

– but Party City…ahhhhh Party City, that’s where the buying nonsense hit its peak.  Mistake #1 was going to Party City in the first place. There’s just too much to choose from for someone like me.  It’s like when I’m faced with an 8 page Diner menu and I just shut down, my brain can’t handle all the choices…

so when I was in there just wandering around completely overwhelmed and Tony called from the parking lot to ask just what in the name of God was taking so long, I told him to just get the kids out of the car and come inside.  That was my 2^nd mistake, and most costly.  Including my daughter in any kind of shopping trip that involves anything that could remotely resemble a toy is an error.  Basically anything in the store that was pink and shiny and lit up, she wanted it….so there’s that.  Second, I don’t know about normal adults and how they act, but when you put Tony and I in an aisle full of THOUSANDS of small plastic toys (for the purpose of stuffing kids goodie bags) –

 you can just sit back and watch complete nonsense take over.  Of course we could not agree on anything and were having serious discussions about the validity of each of our choices…like crazy people.  I think the highlight of the shopping trip was probably when Tony was literally screaming the words, “…because Sue…ALL kids love kazoos, THAT’S WHY!!!!” – That was probably the part where the staff was starting to consider whether or not the Zertuche family should be allowed to continue their stay at Party City. 

 I’m sure one look at the hundreds of dollars worth of Thomas The Tank Engine merchandise in the cart helped our cause.  

In any event….one piñata, 4 bags of candy, 6 giant helium balloons, 1 giant inflatable clown, untold numbers of Thomas the Tank decorative items and dozens of small plastic choking hazards for our guests later (and yes…we got the kazoos), we finally made our way up to the register.  It was late August at the time, but already the front of the store was full of Halloween decorations, and there was some kind of talking skeleton near the door.  It scared my daughter to death, and she has vowed never to return to Party City again, which is probably for the best.  She wants a Sleeping Beauty birthday party this year, but has assured me that we can find everything we need at Target.  Partially from fear of returning to Party City, home of the talking skeleton, and partially because the poor thing probably still thinks we can’t embarrass our entire family there.  She’ll learn…

Chapter 20 - The FUN BUS is here!

Okay, so my daughter Lily is only 3 1/2 and my son John Diego is one month away from his 1st birthday, so I'm still learning about the myriad of activities children participate in.  Of course I've heard the stories from other parents about the financial burden and insane schedules of their kids activities.  Sports, dance class, music lessons, art lessons, karate, horse back riding, drum circles, I don't know....whatever else kids do these days.  I know that a huge calendar and an entire package of dry erase markers are in my future so I can keep track of all of it.

I know this is coming, and I know it will be like a second job and I know that some parents tell me that I'll take back what I'm about to say, BUT..... I'm so new at all of this that I still find it VERY fun (I know, I know, but I'm still new at this, and I LOVE it) --
Currently Lily has swimming lessons, dance class and something called "Fun Bus"

(which really just means that a big bus pulls up in front of her daycare and she and a bunch of other kids play around inside of it for about an hour - she LOVES it).  


Now, there are kids in Lily's class that don't participate in the "Fun Bus", for reasons that I am not privy to.  I think I'm too over emotional to ponder this too much, but I hate the thought of the Fun Bus pulling up and all the kids screaming and running out to play on it, and who are the 3 or 4 sad kids that are left behind to hang out in the classroom for that lonely hour? I'm sure they have their reasons, but I swear I almost cried when Lily told me that not all the kids do it.  Maybe some of them just plain don't like it (although, the word "FUN" is in the title....so what's up with them??)

Anyway, she also recently started dance class, and so far her excitement level at that is pretty much off the charts.  I'm sure at some point watching her do what she calls "bal-la-let kicks and spin-arounds" will get old, but we're not there yet.  Dance class is a BIG hit.  Swimming lessons however....didn't get off to the same enthusiastic start.  On the first day of her swimming lessons, I was a nervous wreck. I loved that it was something she was starting through her daycare so she would be comfortable with a bunch of people she already knew, but I also hated the fact that since the class is during the day while I'm in the city at work, I couldn't be there.  So on the day of her first class I was SO worried.  Well, as it turns out, I had absolutely NOTHING to worry about, (except my money going down the filter) because she didn't even get in the pool!
Apparently she was afraid of the two male swimming instructors - 

I guess the little nut doesn't fall too far from the tree because my first swimming lesson (at the Hackettstown Community Pool, my childhood home away from home) was a similar disaster.  My teacher (who called himself "Tony the Tiger") also scared the hell out of me, and the first opportunity I had, I took off...  






We played a game called Sharks and Minnows, and as soon as Tony the Tiger was "it" and closed his eyes (probably not the best idea for the man in charge of a bunch of kids still learning how to swim...but, what the heck, it was the 70's) - anyway, as soon as he closed his eyes, I took off.  I ran away from the pool and hid at the snack bar (beginning a lifetime of safety, acceptance and comfort in the form of salty sugary snacks - 

I love you lemon italian ice with that weird little flat wooden spoon...you're my very very best friend)  
Well anyway, I'm happy to report that Lily did not run away, she just hung out pool side on her teacher's lap.  I'm also happy to report that she has since gotten into the pool and can now kick, kick, kick with the best of them.   


By the time JD is old enough to participate in some kind of activity, we'll have to win the lottery to afford all of these classes times two, but I look forward to it because I think something to channel his ridiculous amounts of energy will be good.  Right now his interests lie in eating, doing everything in his power to splash in the cat's water dish, eating, climbing, pulling Lily's hair, smashing, and eating.  So, I'm not sure that's on the weekly Fun Bus agenda, but maybe he will be ready to broaden his horizons by the time that's an option.  I don't expect JD will have any fear of the swimming instructors, but I also don't know if he'll show any interest in the pool if there isn't some food floating in it -- so, we'll see how that turns out.   If he disappears during the lesson, his mother most certainly knows where the snack bar is located...  I guess both of my beautiful  little nuts fell close to the tree in their own special ways : )

Chapter 19 - High School Gym or Mexican Cantina??

Haven’t written in a while.  Adjusting to this new life in the suburbs…it has been super hectic, but we’re sort of getting the hang of it.  We are still in various states of unpacking, but have made some progress.  We painted the bottom half of our house (or, I guess the first floor, as most people call it).  So… when you are painting several rooms in your house, I guess you’re supposed to go off of some kind of compatible color palate or some such thing?  Warm tones with warm tones, and all that jazz that goes ridiculously high over my interior-decoratively-challenged head.  I am terrible at decorating, as clueless in this arena as I am in fashion.  I never really advance beyond “dorm décor”  (I’ll admit it, I still sometimes throw a scarf or piece of fabric over a crate and think that’s cool, my design ideas never advanced beyond Freeman Hall circa '95) – But, since I no longer reside in a cinderblock square, I think I might have to admit defeat and get some help. (no, I wasn’t in jail….I’m still referring to the dorm room)

Normal people would get that color palate thing I referenced earlier, or at the very least, ask for assistance at the paint store, but not the Zertuches….no, not us! – We picked out random shades that we thought were fun, and now it looks like Sherwin Williams threw up in our house.  I must admit that I still kind of love it, even as I know it doesn’t all really match.  My husband is taking credit for every room that turned out great (calling my office/the kids play room, “The Amalfi Coast Room”, and taking credit for picking that color since people seem to like it)  But, when we had some folks over for my son’s Baptism and one of the guests told me that our kitchen looked like a high school gymnasium, that instantly became (in Tony’s selective memory) the room with the colors that I picked out  (Drat!! – I was totally going for Mexican Cantina, NOT high school gym….I guess I’ve got a lot to learn!)

In other news, my daughter Lily is adjusting to her new life in the suburbs, trying really hard to fit in at her new daycare.  Yesterday she told me she needed to know what a “justin beiber” was because the girls in her class love him.  She asked me very quietly, like it was a secret no one could know about.  She said her friend told her all about Justin Beiber and that now she has to love him too -

 (for those of you that don’t know, my daughter is THREE!!!!)  We still watch the Sprout channel for heaven’s sake!!! – Yesterday I was changing JD’s diaper and Lily slid up next to me to change her doll’s diaper at the same time, and not an hour later she’s asking about Justin Beiber! – I just can’t have this.  (clearly this is not a result of living in the suburbs, I’m sure Justin Beiber has throngs of toddler fans in New York City as well…I was just not prepared for Lily to be one of them before even making it to kindergarten!)  Incidentally, she learned about Justin Beiber from the same little girl that told her yesterday to sing the words “I’m sexy and I know it, show it show it”. 

Since I’ve last written, my son has turned insane, which also has nothing to do with where we live, but it’s our reality at the moment.  When Lily was his age, I could put something, ANYTHING in front of her and tell her it was a toy or a doll (a paperclip, 2 crayons, a straw…anything) and she would play with it for 20 minutes and NOT MOVE.  But oh….ohhh….am I in for a rude awakening now.  My son will not sit still for 30 seconds.  If there is anything in his line of sight, he must grab it, smash it, climb it or try to put it in his mouth.  If it’s taller than him, he will try to climb it, if it’s small enough, he will try to eat it.  If it’s moving, he will chase it (poor Lieutenant Dan… Lieutenant Dan is my cat, by the way).  At least Lily used to be a little more gentle with him....

So because of this we are learning that our lovely new house is much more difficult to baby proof than our little upper east side apartment was.  Baby gates, and outlet covers and drawer locks, and bookshelf fasteners….and I’m sure that even as I type he is devising new and interesting ways to explore this house in the most daring and dangerous ways possible…ways that the makers of baby-proofing merchandise have not even thought of yet.   Atta boy…

Let’s see, in conclusion I guess our white trash moment of the week was when we finally got lily’s kiddie pool set up in the back yard over the weekend.  We still don’t have a patio set, so we all sat around the little pool….Tony and I on white plastic lawn chairs, Lily on her little purple plastic lawn chair, and JD in his UT Longhorns stroller, all with our feet splashing in the water.  Beers and juice boxes in hand, radio propped up in the kitchen window for all to hear.  “Livin’ the dream” all right… ;)    I’ll take it!

Chapter 18 - Livin' the Dream

So, here we are – smack in the middle of our second month in the suburbs and we’re trying our best to fit in to our new surroundings.  We’ve had a few massive fails, and we’re sure to have more – but here’s a few for the moment.

1 – Meeting the neighbors

Tony really wants to have a beer with the guy next door.  He seems like a very nice guy, he also has a couple of little kids, our yards are touching and our houses are about 25 feet apart, so…clearly we want to get along.  But Tony wants more than that, just a bit more…he just wants to stand outside and drink a beer with this guy.  That’s it…just that simple.  One night through our dining room window we saw our neighbor putting two steaks on his grill.  He was wearing a white v-neck undershirt and what I believe were his shorts, but which Tony thinks were his underwear (we’re deadlocked on this).  In any event – he walks out to his backyard, puts his steaks on the grill and drinks a beer while he waits for them to cook.  Tony watched him and after a few minutes said he wanted to go outside in his boxers with a bottle of beer in his hand and say the phrase “livin’ the dream”.  I guess it’s a guy thing, or maybe Tony’s just weird – but, I begged him not to do it.  I think the neighbor would find it a bit odd, we don’t even know him yet, I don’t think we’re at the level of discussing “the dream”, whatever that may be.   Later in the week we returned from our  friends’ house with their lawn mower on loan (thank you Sara and Meghan!)  We were in a rush to mow the lawn since it was getting super high and out of control and it was about to start raining.  We pulled into the driveway and as we were getting out of the car, here comes the neighbor…omg, with a 6-pack in his hand!! – Tony said, “hey – we just got the word we should be closing on the house this week!” (since we still didn’t actually own the house at that time) – and the neighbor says, “great, congrats – wanna beer?” – this is it! – all he’s been waiting for!!!  And Tony says, “well, I uh…I have to mow”.  I have to mow!   I have to mow?  Tony was having his own “I carried a watermelon” moment and all I could think was : NOOOOOO!  This was his big chance and he blew it!!! – I just hope he gets a second chance!

2 – Making the house look presentable

As I said, we didn’t actually own the house for the first month we lived here (we have since had our closing and officially own it now) .  One set back after another and I guess that’s just what happens when dealing with short sales and foreclosures and things like that.  If you have the time and the patience, you can get an amazing deal – but man does it require a lot of time and patience.  In any event, we were basically like really obvious squatters….But the neighbors didn’t know this.  They probably just thought we were too lazy to remove the realtors “for sale” sign off the lawn and the lockbox off the front door.  A month into it and I’m sure they were wondering just what the hell we were waiting for. Because I didn’t want them to think that we’re just weird or lazy, every time we met a new neighbor I would quickly blurt out “we don’t actually own the house yet!” (in other words we’re not just lazy a-holes who can’t even be bothered to take down the for sale sign!) – This was also an attempt to let them know that there was a reason why we hadn’t mowed the lawn yet.  I was not about to pay hundreds of dollars for a lawnmower if the whole deal was going to fall through and we might not even get the house.  After a door-to-door cable salesmen (didn’t know that still happened by the way) told me that the lawn looked “just awful”, we knew something needed to be done.  I have opted not to use his services, by the way – not the best tactic when doing door to door sales calls….  So, as I said we borrowed a mower and at least we have that bit of business taken care of (we just mowed around the for sale sign of course…..sigh!!!)

3 – Getting the kids ready for school

Lily and JD are both doing really great at their new daycare.  JD is cool just about anywhere, so he’s been totally fine.  The only negative comment that Lily’s teacher has for us on a regular basis is that she won’t eat her lunch.   The teacher suggested as nicely as she could that maybe we could try “something fun like chicken nuggets” the same day that Tony said he would pack her lunch (for the first time…and subsequently, the last) – So, the next day Lily opens her lunch bag and has a small bowl of wild rice, 2 tomato slices, chicken pulled off the bone (mostly dark meat, no less) and a small buttered roll.  (just the lunchables that every kid craves, right?) It looked like we sent her in with the leftovers from the early bird special –
Now, that said – we have always tried very hard to make sure that lily eats a very healthy diet, but tomato slices and wild rice?  A buttered dinner roll?  She’s not 90 and she certainly doesn’t need to be on a diet – so, the end of that story is that Tony is no longer allowed to pack Lily’s lunch. 

4 - – We killed a squirrel

And by “we” I mean Tony.  So, one morning shortly after he left for the bus he sends me a text message that said “I think I just scared a squirrel to death” – now, I take this for the figure of speech I assume it is meant to be and don’t give it much thought.  Until an hour later when I’m pulling out of the driveway to take the kids to the daycare and there on the sidewalk right in front of our house is a dead squirrel, it looked like a prop, laying on its side, small pool of blood around his mouth (so so sad) – and I call Tony, “you mean you actually KILLED it???” – He says, “Didn’t you get my text???”- and I say, “I thought it was a figure of speech!!!” – Here’s what went down.  Apparently when Tony left that morning he slammed the front door and right at that moment the squirrel fell off the wires out front and smashed down on the sidewalk.  Tony’s description was that it was as if “a Giant picked him up and slammed him down to the ground” (which is just weird, but I don’t change the quotes, I just report the facts) – It’s very sad that a squirrel died, so please don’t think I’m making light of the subject, but – that night when Tony tried to pick it up to dispose of it, I filmed it because at one point it was so reminiscent of a scene from Family Guy.  Unfortunately, it was too dark and you can’t see anything that I filmed – but, for your reference, it went a bit like this:  

5 – I killed two birds (with one minivan)

Yes, a bit of valuable information snuck in there…we bought a minivan.  I wasn’t really ready to share that bit of information yet, but since it was the vehicle with which I hit two birds, it’s relevant.  It’s a Honda Odyssey.  Tony calls it the end of our youth, I call it “The Hottesy” because unlike my husband, I have not given up yet.  My Hottesy, incidentally, comes with a ridiculous amount of cup holders, so anyone looking for a ride (with multiple beverages) just let me know when and where you need to go.   And yes, the other day coming home from the day care, TWO birds flew into the front of the minivan at the same time : (

Hey, here's a picture that actually does "kill two birds with one stone" in that it shows off our new sweet ride, and also our unkempt lawn all in one shot  (a frolicking lily serves as visual bonus material)

So, that said – the four of us are continuing to do our best to fit in here in our new lovely little town.  We’ll continue to fail, I’m sure – but, in the meantime I’d definitely give JD the most points for keeping his cool, Lily’s a very close second, and I don’t think I have to tell you who’s dead last:  the squirrel-killer who packs his kid's lunch like she’s an overweight senior citizen  - -I won’t be too hard on him (for now anyway) because I am really very happy for him that he’s livin’ the dream.      

Chapter 17 - Honk If You Love Liberty!

No, of course my drive in the car is never as interesting or entertaining as my morning bus rides once were.  The similarities are that I still rapid fire questions at Lily about every single thing she did during her day (I LOVE to hear everything that happened to her at daycare)- and that JD still sleeps through the whole thing.  The differences of course are that there are no crazy strangers to worry about and I didn’t have to push and shove to get a seat in my car.  So anyway, now that we’re driving around the suburbs in a car, there are a few things I’ve noticed and that I’m curious about, so I’ll start with something I’ve seen every morning when driving my kids to daycare. (Up until earlier this week, that is, since tax day has come and gone) And that is the living advertisements for a local tax preparer.  I could kick myself for NOT getting a picture of this, or better yet, a quick video with my phone.  This place is paying kids to stand at several different intersections (and that’s just what I see on my ride…there are probably lots more than just what I see)  holding signs that say “honk if you love liberty” and they are all dressed like the Statue of Liberty.  We’ve also seen the occasional Uncle Sam, but mostly it’s Lady Liberty. They are all young men in their late teens/early 20’s, they all wear headphones and dance around like crazy to music only they can hear, and they all hold signs saying “honk if love liberty” and try REALLY hard to get you to honk your horn at them as you drive by.  Which is fine…..  I mean, they are more than just a little distracting which is obviously the point, though maybe having them at busy intersections might not be the safest idea, but since someone is paying them to draw attention to themselves, I guess dancing around on a quiet dead end street would make little to no sense. (and how weird would that be for the person who lives on that dead end)  But anyway…here’s what I’m wondering.  WHO is the person that would decide to take their taxes there because a kid dancing around in a green dress and foam crown got them to honk their car horn that morning?  I get that its drawing attention to the place, but other than the campiness of it…is it really adding to their business?  It definitely serves as a good public service reminder of the fact that it’s time to get your taxes done – but, I’m wondering if the place that actually has these kids on their payroll is truly getting any business from this?  Have sales increased?  Does The Statue of Liberty bring in more business than Uncle Sam, or was her costume just cheaper?   Does Patriotic drag drum up more business?

Okay, yes – it’s harmless, but one small gripe I do have is the kid that holds his sign up, trying SO hard to get me to honk to show I love liberty is also blocking my view of upcoming cars in the process.  Here’s the thing…now that I’m back in NJ I’m really enjoying the option to turn right on red (which does not exist in New York City, so it’s a real treat…..see, pork roll was not the only thing I missed while being away from my home-state) – So, this clown holds his sign up and in the way, so it makes it harder for me to see if there are cars coming.  Also, how do I know if anyone is honking at me, or just trying to show off how much they love liberty?  And when I honk at the kid to tell him to move, he just takes it as a sign of my liberty-loving appreciation for his routine, and it makes him dance that much more, raising his sign up that much higher.  By then, the light has turned green and I’m going because green means go…not because I’m back in a place where I can turn right on red! (sigh)

At the end of the day I had no intention of taking my taxes to this place, but obviously their marketing caught my attention and gave me some things to think about, for example: I wonder if a lot of kids show up to apply for this job, and if there are some that are actually turned away.  What’s the job interview like for such an assignment? Do they have to audition?  I wonder if there are specific dance moves that are taught to them, or if they are allowed to just freestyle?  I’m new to this town, is this some fun kitchy thing that the locals look forward to every April?  Are there kids who have been watching the dancing lady liberties their whole life, just waiting for the chance to apply for the job?  I have to say that they all do look pretty happy to be there, particularly one kid that we saw every morning and watched him change over time from a paste-y shade of white to a fairly decent tan (at least where his crown and gown don’t cover) 

Alas….give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free….and honk if you love liberty.