"Apunzel", "Melmo" & "Strawberry Core-cake"

Chapter 6 – “Apunzel”, “Melmo” and “Strawberry Core-cake”

The subjects of a few funny stories would be any number of dolls and toys that Lily brings onto the bus with her every day, all beautifully mispronounced as the title suggests, but a little girl learning how to talk.  Elmo (“Melmo”) made the trip dozens of times, and has been thrown at strangers on several occasions.  One time Lily kept throwing Elmo on the ground and I kept picking him up and handing him back to her (yes, basically she was playing “fetch” with me).  After about the 4^th time, the guy next to me picked Elmo up and said, in a heavy Russian accent “stop manipulating your mother”.  But before he handed him back to Lily, he proceeded to rock Elmo like a baby (complete with shushing sounds), which may sound a little creepy, but was actually kind of cute and it made Lily laugh.  Tickle Me, Melmo.

A girl that sat next to us one time was a little too excited to see the Little Mermaid dolls that Lily brought with her one day (she had two with her that morning, one mermaid version and one post-mermaid princess version, sans tail – oooops Spoiler Alert!!)  She asked Lily about a dozen questions about the movie, the characters, the songs, etc. and then would answer her own questions while Lily just stared at her, looking confused at best.  She was about 2 years old at the time and not prepared to match the fast-paced and excited dialogue of this 20-something sounding like she was mid-way through her 3^rd starbucks of the morning.  But either way, the girl seemed a bit happier when she got off the bus then when she got on, so I guess Lily cheered up her morning a little bit. (or the dolls did, anyway)

There were many mornings of various Disney Princess Dolls and Strawberry Shortcake Dolls, and they would often perform concerts on her lap or the back of the seat.  One of her favorite songs that she made up “Strawberry Core Cake, She’s Got Nothin’ on Us” was a daily staple for a while, not to mention a crowd-pleaser.  It was catchy and I admit, much better than any song I ever made up.  Lately she’s playing out an on-going drama where Tiana and Rapunzel have a big fight and break up just before they are about to get married.  I hope she moves on from this cliffhanger soon, as I’m dying to see what happens next.

Lily’s princess dolls were the subjects of one of my favorite encounters with a stranger on the bus.  One morning she was playing with them on her lap and the lady next to me made a comment about her playing with dolls and wearing all pink.  She said that when she was raising her daughters in the 70’s she was told not to force such girly things on them.  She said she dressed them in overalls, never let them wear pink, never put bows in their hair. (I’m picturing two angry little scarecrows with heavy bangs sitting alone at the lunch table) She then went on to talk about the evils of Barbie dolls and why little girls should not play with them.  I didn’t want to get technical with her, even as I was being accused of “forcing” pink and pretty princess things on my daughter (which I’m pretty sure I never did), but I had to tell her that the dolls Lily was playing with were not actually “Barbies”, they were Disney princesses.  And the lady then said, “Oh, well then that makes sense, because I noticed that this one’s breasts are kinda small” – (in case it matters, she was referring to Rapunzel, apparently she felt that Belle and Cinderella were more blessed in that arena, as she directed no similar insults their way).  

I have no idea what her point was, or why that “made sense” to her, I was just super amused by her comments and wondered to myself if her overall-wearing daughters still speak to her.

Rain Etiquette

Chapter 5 - Rain Etiquette 

Several of the items on my list might fall into the category of things you would assume people would know, but unfortunately, you would be wrong.  Here’s a list of rules I think should be posted on the wall of the bus, or maybe on signs at the bus stop….for the rude, the oblivious or the just plain stupid. 

1 – You are not 4 feet in diameter, therefore you don’t really need an umbrella that is.

2 – You are not the Wicked Witch of the West.  A few drops of rain are not going  to kill, melt or even harm you.  You don’t need to keep your umbrella open as you step onto the bus, and then stand there fidgeting with it to get it closed while the rest of us wait behind you to get in.  A few drips won’t kill you, but if you don’t MOVE IT, I might.  Everyone's hair looks like hell today, deal with it.

3 – Sure, that poncho looks sweet, and clearly it’s keeping you dry, so good on ya’.  However, now that you’re reaching your arm across my body to hang on to the pole, your wet poncho is dripping all over my baby’s face.  Perhaps you could move your body a little closer to said pole rather than leaning over and practically on top of me.

4 – Your umbrella is not too valuable to touch the floor of the bus, therefore, if you have to put it down for a second to get your metrocard or your phone out of your pocket, put it on the floor.  Putting it on the seat just makes you an asshole.

5 – We’re all getting wet.  It’s pouring out.  There is no way you are going to stay 100% completely dry today, and here’s the big shock, you’re NOT the only one dealing with this weather.  So please leave all sighing, eye-rolling and above all whining to the teenage girls that do it best.  It’s not becoming of a middle-aged man.

6 – Watch your umbrella!  In the unlikely event that I actually get a seat, please don’t hold your dripping wet umbrella over my lap.  See # 4.

7 - For the MTA, please try not to suck more than usual today just because it's raining.  Try to make machines that don't break down when it's raining or snowing.  Try not to cluster all the buses together so that if we miss one, we don't have to wait 20 minutes for the next one, which pulls up with 2 other buses RIGHT behind it...or better yet, one FINALLY shows up and it's ....

8 – Today’s the kind of day that you should be especially nice and courteous to the elderly, the handicapped, the pregnant, the exhausted 37 year old toting a wet toddler and a baby strapped to her side (the wet toddler whose monkey rain hat keeps blowing off causing multiple melt-downs)…. Her husband has been out of town on business since last Saturday and it’s been a pretty long and exhausting week.  She’s doing her best, but she’s VERY tired and losing her patience, so if you could not shove past her to get on the bus first, just once, just this ONCE, that would be really appreciated.

(seriously, how cool would it be if that were posted on a sign at my bus stop) ;)

Headphones and Bananas

Chapter 4 – Headphones and Bananas

There is another breed of “nice” people out there who seem to think that they are just wonderful with children and can therefore calm down a screaming child when her own mother cannot.  I will admit that once in a blue moon, this has actually worked.  There have been days where Lily was screaming her little pigtails off and a complete stranger would say something to her and she would calm down.  That has happened.  But for the record, it usually does not.  Yet there are always those that fancy themselves as some kind of Mary Poppins of the transit system, “oh here, let me help dear, babies just LOVE me”.  These are the people that think because they babysat in the 10^th grade (even if 10^th grade was 3 decades ago), or because they have nieces and nephews that they see twice a year, or because their next door neighbor has a baby that smiles at them on the elevator everyday that they will tell me what my screaming child likes and what will calm her down.  “You know, you really should carry a pacifier….maybe if you unzipped her coat…..did you ever think to bring cheerios with you on the bus? …. maybe if she had another toy…..maybe if she didn’t have so many toys….give her a frozen bagel…”  I’ve heard it all. 

One morning we were next to a guy on the bus who had an original idea of how to “help” when Lily started screaming.  All he said to me was, “Watch, she’ll love this” (sure, I’m just the kid’s mother, why include me in your plan??  Just go for it  … at least he invited me to “watch”)  then he took his headphones out of his ears and tried to put them into her ears.  Wait, it’s worse than you think… these were not the kind of headphones that rest ON your ears.  What makes this especially gross is that these were the kind that go INSIDE your ears.  He removed them from his own ears and was mere inches away from putting them INSIDE hers.  Are you @#&$#! kidding me???  I said, “no no no no no no no no….NO!  No, thank you…that’s okay…she’s fine”.  He said nothing, he just shrugged and put them back in his ears.  Of course by then Lily really wanted them, which just kicked the screaming up a notch (thanks a-hole), but luckily for him, he now had his headset nestled firmly back in his grimy little ears and didn’t have to listen to her.  Thanks ever so much for your “help”, you disgusting moron.

I’ve also had strangers try to “help” by giving Lily food.  Another thing I want to ask all strangers not to do: Please, PLEASE don’t give other people’s kids food on the bus.  Don’t offer them ANY food of any kind, and don’t ask their parents if you CAN offer them any food.  This would seem so obvious to me that I’m surprised how often it happens, but it does, so here goes:  A) You don’t know what any kid might be allergic to, or what their parents want them to eat or not eat on the bus (the filthy bus)  B) MOST of the things in your bag that you are considering offering to my child are choking hazards that she is not allowed to have…on a moving bus no less and C) By asking me “is it okay if I give her this?”, and then me saying “No” – my child has seen the entire exchange and is of course going to want the delicious looking jolly rancher that you just pulled out of your bag.  She saw it, she wants it, she heard me say “no, she can’t have it”, and now she is screaming for it.  Again, thanks ever so much for the assistance.  Go give your candy to the moron in the headphones.  You’re perfect for each other.

One time we were seated next to a lady who handed Lily a banana.  She didn’t ask me, she didn’t even include me in the exchange.  I just looked away for one second and when I looked back, Lily had a banana in her hand.  I looked at the woman and she said something about Lily looking like she wanted a snack (really?  That’s the look she gave you?  The “I want a snack” look?) --- Now, I grew up in the 80’s so I went trick-or-treating every year with the fear that one of my neighbors was carefully hiding razor blades inside apples for weeks to prepare for Halloween night. (because you know all the kids out there are just dreaming about that apple in the bottom of a pillowcase full of candy.  Hey, forget all the M&M bags, mini-snickers and peanut butter cups.  Move those aside, I gotta get my little hands on that apple!!) So with this lingering childhood fear of tainted fruit in mind, of course I instantly conjured up images of this little old lady using a syringe to inject bananas with cyanide so she could poison little girls on the bus.  Is that crazy?  Yes, of course that’s crazy.  But, tell that to my paranoid “new Mom” mind at the time.  Luckily I didn’t have to worry about it.  Lily started talking into the banana like it was a phone.  (little did this woman know that getting my daughter to actually eat something was a daily challenge she could only begin to imagine.  If she was trying to poison someone, she picked the wrong kid) – Instead of a snack, Lily turned the banana into a phone.  A large, yellow, potentially-poisoned phone which I promptly threw into the garbage as soon as we got off the bus.  If you still think I’m crazy, just remember that one of our very first bus adventures involved someone giving me vaginal wipes to clean my baby’s face and hands. So, sometimes a banana is not just an innocent banana.

Something dreadful, like "sue"

Chapter 3 – Something dreadful, like ‘sue’

For all of the horrible commutes I’ve had with the kids, we have also met a lot of very friendly, colorful, wonderful people.  One in particular was the man who predicted Lily’s career as an opera diva.   

 She often likes to sing on the bus.  Usually she makes one of her dolls or toys sing and dance around on her lap, and sometimes she gets a little bit loud.  One night on the way home we were sitting across from a man who was thoroughly enjoying her “performance” and he said to me with utmost sincerity, “I want you to remember what I am about to tell you because I want to be the first one to say that your daughter is going to be a famous opera diva someday.  When that happens I want you to think back and remember this moment and that I predicted it!”  Then he asked "What is her name?" and I said “Liliana”.  “Ohhhhh Liliana!!!”, he practically squealed, “that is TOO PERFECT, she already has the perfect DIVA name! I can see it now, up there in lights!!! LILIANA!!!” He then leaned over and said much more quietly, “I thought you were going to say something dreadful like ‘Sue’ and then I would have had to say ‘Forget it! Her career is over before it began!!!’”  I just laughed along with him and said something like, “yes, that certainly would be awful, what a career-killer THAT would be!”.  I suppose in retrospect I should have told him that my name is Sue, but he was just so bloody excited, I didn’t want to bring him down.

Can I Hold Your Baby?

Chapter 2 – “Can I Hold Your Baby?”

As I touched on in Chapter 1, strangers on the bus love to give babies their index fingers.  Of course I don’t know where your index finger has been, I don’t want to know.  There were some people that actually told me where their fingers had been when I give them a look which clearly implied that I didn’t want my children to touch them.  “I promise I just washed my hands” – Really?  You JUST washed your hands? – Was there a curb-side sink at the bus stop that I somehow missed?  No, you didn’t JUST wash your hands. 

Yes, of course I realize that it’s cute when a baby can grasp onto something, yes babies are adorable and sometimes irresistible – but, you know what else they are?  They are susceptible to germs, they are carriers of teeny tiny (brand new!) immune systems, and above all they are SO sad to behold when they are sick.  So I ask you, on behalf of all parents, grandparents, nannies, etc who have had to endure this; please, please don’t give your quite possibly clean but more likely filthy (I don’t care which it is) hands to my tiny baby on public transportation. 

We were riding the bus one time and got squished up next to an older woman who fell into this category.  I could tell as soon as I saw her, she was one of them.  We weren’t next to her for 2 minutes and sure enough... out comes the index finger!  Lily was a little bit older now, maybe a year or so, so I was starting to get a little better at dealing with the strangers.  I pulled Lily’s hand away and said, “Honey, it’s not a good idea to touch other people’s hands on the bus”.  I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t rude, I said it in the nicest voice I possibly could (after all, I was directing the comment AT my daughter instead of at this woman) and she became suddenly HORRIBLY offended, as if I announced to the bus that she was filthy and diseased and how DARE she lay hands on my child.  As she pulled her hand away, Lily reached for it (thanks Lil…really helped me out on that one) – and the lady said, “I’m SO sorry honey, but apparently your mother has a problem with me touching you” – Now she and my daughter have somehow conspired and I’M the bad guy.

Though, this was not nearly as bad as the woman who sat next to me and asked if she could “please please please hold the baby?”.  That was a first.  While there are a lot of people who love to give their index fingers to babies, I have encountered only one stranger who asked if she could actually hold her.  Its worth mentioning that this girl was wearing a gold halter-top and was covered in body glitter.  She looked to be in her mid-30’s, and was actually very beautiful.  I told her something about Lily getting upset around strangers (not true) and that she would have a hysterical fit if anyone besides me held her (also not true) – because I figured that was nicer than saying the truth:  You must be high if you think I’m going to let a stranger, a stranger covered in body glitter and 5 pounds of make-up no less, hold my baby on her lap on this crowded, horrible ride home.  Please, share whatever it is you smoked before you boarded this bus so that I too can experience the total lapse from reality that you must be enjoying right now.

At least she didn’t tell me that she just washed her hands, which of course would have been a lie as they too were visibly covered in glitter.

Thank You For Riding New York City Transit

Okay, Okay, OKAY! – I’m finally getting around to it.  I’m finally ready to keep track of my daily adventures on the bus around NYC with my little city mice.  I’ve been commuting on a New York City bus with my daughter Liliana since she was about 4 months old.  My maternity leave ended and I had to return to work and put my baby girl into daycare.  From that very first ride, it has been an adventure – something as simple as riding the bus with a baby every day has been at times hilarious and at times downright infuriating.  I have recently returned to work after my second maternity leave, and I am now doing that same commute with Lily, now age 3 as well as my little Nugget, John Diego, 4 ½ months.  After much encouragement from friends, I thought it would be fun to share my adventures via a blog.  I’ve been sharing my crazy stories via my Facebook page for the past 3 years, and on every other post someone tells me I should write a book.   So, this isn’t the book, but I figure it’s a good place to start! 

We take the bus south about 55 blocks every morning to go to daycare and work.  Luckily, mercifully, our wonderful daycare provider is right across a courtyard from my office.  Then for the commute home, I pick up the kids and we go back to the bus, heading north to our bus stop that’s only a couple of blocks away from our apartment.  Simple, right?

Chapter 1 – It’s okay, I like it.

                After 3 years of doing this commute with my daughter, I have an arsenal of stories to share, but my favorite, and the one I will start off with, would be the day someone “freshened” my daughter’s face and hands for me after a creepy run-in with a wanna-be-grandpa.

It was in the spring and Lily and I were headed home on the bus.  We lived on 94^th street at the time. (we have since moved a bit further south, but still ride the same bus). Lily was about 6 months old.  A very large man was standing in front of the seat we were sitting in, holding onto the pole.  At one point the driver stopped a bit short, and the man proceeded to sort of swing ¾ of the way around the pole.  His movement is difficult to describe, but it was sort of a lazy, almost child-like, go-with-the-flow kind of thing.  I think he even said, “whooaaaaa” as he swung around.  He ended up virtually on my lap, which was of great concern, as Lily was in one of those chic, Scandinavian baby carriers strapped to my chest.  Fortunately, he hurt neither me nor the baby (nor himself) and apologized at great length for almost crushing my legs.  We then started to chat and he and his wife began asking me all kinds of questions about the baby. 

Being approximately 6 months old, Lily was inclined to put EVERYTHING in her mouth, so when he offered her his index finger (something I came to learn that strangers LOVE to do.  Strangers LOVE to give babies their index finger) – Lily of course pulled it towards her face and tried to put his finger in her mouth.  I said to her, “honey, we don’t do that”, and I had to physically push his hand away because he was going to let her put his finger in her mouth.  As I pushed his hand away from her face he said, “it’s okay, I like it”. 

 “It’s okay, I like it”  -- I wasn’t really even sure how to respond to that comment that I found disturbing on so many levels.   Upon seeing the confused and probably grossed out look on my face, his wife said, “you’ll have to forgive him, he really wants grandkids”, as if that somehow excuses him from allowing, no, not just allowing but WANTING babies to suck on his fingers on public transportation. 

After the large man and his wife got off at the next stop, the woman sitting next to me went off, “I can’t believe what he just did!  I saw the whole thing! I could tell how uncomfortable you were! – what is wrong with some people? – It was obvious that you didn’t want him touching your baby, and that he was going to let her put his fingers in her mouth? – Disgusting!” – At that point she pulled about a dozen little individually-wrapped wipes out of her purse.  She opened one up, and before I knew what was happening, she wiped off Lily’s face and hands, and then gave me the rest of the wipes to keep in my purse. “You should take these with you everywhere, because you never know when some idiot is going to touch your baby and this way you can always wipe off her hands and face”, she warned.

When I got home I told my husband the entire story from beginning to end, starting with the heavy man falling on my lap right up through the woman next to me wiping Lily off.  Then I pulled out the bunch of wipes she gave me to keep, at which point I noticed that they were actually “Summer’s Eve Feminine Cleansing Cloths” – This woman carries vaginal wipes around by the handful??? Yes, that is what she shared with me, THAT is what she wiped off lily’s face and hands with.  Perfect.