Day 2 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Bacon.  Bacon as anything other than something you eat.  Did you know that bacon had become so popular, and I don’t mean just as food, I mean…as décor?  Am I the only one that didn't know this?

 I like bacon just as much as the next person, really I do. It’s delicious and makes most things you put it in taste even better.   It makes eggs better, it makes burgers better, it makes some salads better…and it makes  a peanut butter and banana sandwich better, if you’re pregnant…or Elvis.  So, I’m in no way ANTI-bacon, believe me.  But bacon as décor?  As jewelry?  As a blanket??  I just don’t get it – I think it’s ridiculous, and therefore, perfect for my list.

First off…the bacon blanket.  To me this just looks gross. (though apparently, it's a customer favorite!)

  I don’t think anyone likes bacon because it looks pretty.  The taste, sure it’s excellent.  The smell, oh yes…quite nice.  But, the looks?  No, bacon just doesn’t look pretty, and this particular throw looks like a package of raw ground beef.  Also, it just gives the feeling of greasy.  Who wants to snuggle up on the couch on a cold night under something that makes them feel raw and greasy  (probably don't answer that...)

But I digress.  

And next…bacon bandaids.  Wait...What?  That is disgusting. 

  You want to place a hot greasy strip of pork on an open wound?  Of course the band aid isn’t actually made out of bacon – but, just the idea that you're even simulating that concept is just plain ridiculous....but, I must admit that I'm dying to know what the free prize inside could be.  

And, here’s a bunch more that are for random things, but I noticed something they have in common ....

 Bacon koozie, bacon tie, bacon jacket, (and there are several other items available just like these) ....why is the bacon raw?  I'm not saying I'd ever wear a bacon tie under any circumstances, nor hold my beer in anything that looks like it has cold raw meat wrapped around it.  But, if I did...I think I'd prefer something that at least looks cooked.  I know that's not the point, and the real concern here is...who would actually wear this jacket??? -- but, I'm just confused by the desire to have the meat look raw on these fashionable items.   Why not a crispy bacon koozie?  Although that said, the throw blanket looks raw too, and that's a "customer favorite", so what do I know??

And here it is, in my opinion, the grossest thing in the bacon category…bacon flavored floss and toothpaste.  When you really want your breath to impress, brush with BACON! –

  Really?? That's disgusting and ridiculous. (and now disgusting in cupcake flavor too!)  

And now with this last one, I have a question.  Here is a bacon Christmas tree ornament:

Fine, okay...bacon on your Christmas tree.  After the other disgusting things I spotted, bacon on the tree didn't even phase me.  But what caught my eye is this... if you read the description, it suggests that this ornament is a "great gift for fellow members of the Brotherhood of Bacon".  What?  I got a little scared.  Is this just a cheesy catalog description, or is there such a thing??  Google it, you'll see.....

Day 1 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Sometimes when we can’t get the kids to take a nap on the weekends, we’ll take a brief ride in the car, which they are both powerless to.  When they do finally fall asleep, we go to Trader Joe’s and Tony does the grocery shopping while I sit in the car with the sleeping kids.  I love this time, because it’s quiet, the kids are safe and warm in the backseat, Tony is getting everything we need in the magical shopping carts at Trader Joe’s that somehow never hold more than $100 worth of groceries (oh, how I love you Trader Joe’s!), and I get to read.  Being the mother of two small kids, I don’t get much time to read anymore.  So, my nice quiet Trader Joe’s parking lot time is when I look forward to reading.  Though I never thought I could get used to it, I now only read on the kindle app on my phone.  So convenient because in the rare times that I have a spare moment to myself in which I can read, I always have my phone with me, and therefore, I always have the book I’m reading with me (thank you smart phone,  you truly are so very smart!).  So, last weekend we were at Trader Joe’s, the kids are sleeping, I’m about to read and low and behold…my battery dies.  Oh hell!  NOW what am I going to do???  This treasured quiet time just turned into a potential 45 minutes to an hour of sheer boredom , I’m stuck in the car with my sleeping kids in a stupid parking lot for close to an HOUR with nothing to do!  Harrumph!  But, I notice that on the floor in the backset there are about a dozen catalogs.  What they were doing in my car, I still don’t know.  Tony put them in the back of the car for some reason, and there they were – yay, something to do!  And of course, since I hadn’t started ANY Christmas shopping yet, I thought maybe I’d get a few ideas.   So, I start looking through them.  Holy shite, folks – when’s the last time you looked at some of these holiday catalogs???  If you’re like me, you get several a week during the holidays, and we’re not even big shoppers.  Someone like my Mom gets about 10 a day, no joke! – I saw some things in these catalogs that were so funny and so ridiculous, it gave me the idea for my upcoming bouts of ramblings….

And another thing…  I have a lot of friends and family who did this lovely thing on facebook during the month of November where they would list something they are thankful for every day.  It was really nice to see, and I enjoyed reading everyone’s list each day…and then THAT gave me the format for my idea.

So, here it is.  This will be the first post of:  25 Days of Purely Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs. 

Short and sweet and one every day leading up to 12/25.  Try it yourself, you’ll see – these things are just WAY too easy to make fun of! –

So, 12/1 – here we go – picture # 1 comes from a magazine called PajamaGram, where you can buy very expensive pajamas and have them delivered to someone (oh wait…just  like the pajamas in any mail-order catalog) – I have a feeling that PajamaGram will make a repeat appearance in my blog posts because their pictures are absolutely hilarious.  But, this is the first one that I saw that made me laugh, so I’ll start with this one: 

So, at first glance, this might not seem that bad, other than the obvious ridiculousness of grownups in baby pajamas.  Its a little bit holiday nonsense, a little bit awkwardfamilyphotos.com, and a lot embarrassing.  The description refers to them as “Dropseat Pajamas”, presumably because you can unbutton the ass of the pajamas to use the bathroom, rather than getting completely naked in the middle of the night, not just unpleasant on a cold winters night, but also time consuming.  

The things I really love about this picture aren't really obvious until you zoom in, and I regret that I cannot deliver a better quality photo.  So, I zoomed in as best I could so we could break this one down.  

It’s not that Greg and Adam don’t look comfortable pretending to hang decorations on an already decorated tree, they just look ridiculous.  Adam doesn’t even want to face the camera.  He’d prefer to remain anonymous I’m sure, if only his name wasn't printed across his "drop seat" he might just be able to deny it Monday morning in homeroom pre-asskicking....

And as for Sally (I gotta guess on the name here, since we can't see her rear end....)

Is anyone paying attention to the daughter and the overly friendly dog?  (also forced to wear pajamas....who exactly is going to clean up THAT mess??  Ridiculous to put those things on a dog!)

But the real gem here is the Mom and Baby: 

Just what the hell is so funny?  Your child is miserable! Presumably because he's looking at a room full of non-babies who are wearing baby pajamas.  How confusing!  

Baby: These are what I should be wearing...why is my Mom in these? Good Lord, why is my DAD wearing these?  Do I look happy to you guys???  and why is she laughing at me???

But the most ridiculous thing about this, is that to outfit this family of 5 and their dog in these grown-up baby pajamas costs: $239.94.   Seriously.   Kid, you would have gotten much better toys this year if your parents didn't spend $240 on baby pajamas....for themselves.  Ridiculous!

Hey, don't be too sad....it could be worse -- you could be part of this family where children have beards:

Ridiculous -

Chapter 24 - Jesus Where's My Coffee? : Nativity the Musical

My daughter Lily makes up songs all the time.  Some of them are actually pretty good, certainly better than anything I ever came up with.  Her classic “Chunkies, I Love You!” that she made up for her brother shortly after he was born has become a staple around our house.  There have been so many others, several of which she used to entertain our fellow commuters with on the M15, the dreaded daily ride that provided the adventures that birthed this rambling blog.  But, “Chunkies, I Love You” has always been my favorite.   Now there is a close second…

The other day, I heard her from the other room singing a new song that she had just made up, the lyrics were  “Jesus, Where’s My Coffee” over and over and over.  Of course my first thought was…great, I must have said those words at some point, Lily overheard me and now she has set it to music.  What other nasty Mommy remarks will be getting tossed about in jingle form at her daycare later??  So, I head into the room ready to explain to her that it certainly had nothing to do with Jesus that I couldn’t find my coffee, or some other such lame parental explanation, when I see her sitting on the floor playing with her Little People Nativity set.  She told me that it was Mary’s solo, and it was Jesus’s turn to make breakfast.  I sat down, hoping for a rousing chorus of “Lord Make that Bacon Crispy” – but, unfortunately the miniature-musical was over and I’d have to wait until later for more Nativity-based fun – which she did deliver over the past few days.

Lily’s Little People Nativity set was a gift from her Aunt Erin a few years ago. Ever since it came out of its box for the season  (we keep it in the Christmas box with the ornaments, stockings and giant tangled knots of lights) she has been playing with it constantly.  I decided in the past couple of days that I would take a picture everytime she replaced the characters.  Oh, and before I get to the recent ones, here is a picture I took two years ago in our New York City apartment when she decided to replace the 3^rd Wiseman with a farmer  –  Gold, Frankincense and a sack of seeds...hmmmm, doesn't quite have the same ring to it....

 Well, in two years she's accumulated A LOT more little toys, and Old McDonald was the first of MANY replacements to the cast.

This one is from the other day when she replaced the the angel on top with everyone’s favorite supermodel/veterinarian/McDonald’s worker/whatever other occupation she’s currently holding:   Barbie!

  Barbie the Fairy swooped in and the Angel Gabriel got the boot.  Not to be outdone, apparently the Mermaid Barbie swam up to Bethlehem for the occasion as well – nice.  Hey, her eyes are up here, Joseph!

Now this next one was not actually Lily's doing.  It's from the other day when I decided to hide her “Elf on the Shelf” in the Nativity.  Zanina (for that is what Lily named her) needs a few new hiding places, so I thought adding her to the Nativity would be fun, maybe Lily will write her a song!  Then, first thing in the morning, I reconsidered.  My warped brain started thinking that there’s enough pressure on Lily worrying about the fact that Zanina flies away and talks to Santa every night.  If she thinks this jolly little snitch has a line into God as well, that might just be too much pressure for her little brain to handle.  No….better save that one.  So…no musical numbers for Zanina.  I removed her from the nativity and hid her on the back of the toilet instead.  Not very creative, but I had to act fast….but I did snap a quick picture before I moved her to the commode.

I also learned that no one in the nativity is safe, it’s like a Dick Wolf Production, and even the biggest stars can be replaced at any time without warning.  Even Jesus! – (cue the Law and Order sound:  Da Dum!)

Although, being replaced is probably better than being put up on the roof.  Hey – careful! – Who puts a baby on a roof??

Then the other night Disney swept in, took over, cleaned up the place and now the manger is the most tourist friendly place on the block. 

I expect a whole new crop of inns will be sprouting up now, but who can afford it???

And speaking of Disney – this is how Lily left the manger this morning before I whisked her and JD off to daycare.  The manger has apparently become a weight watchers camp – with the help of the Baby Jesus,

                                   

Just look at these before/after pics! 

It really is a Christmas Miracle! --  Happy Holidays everyone!!

Chapter 23 – 

"I already got 15 likes on facebook!!! - ummm…where are the kids???"

So – this past weekend we took our second trip to our local autumnal mecca of all things hay/corn/pumpkins/etc…or, as I now like to call it, Parents Fall Photo Op 2012.  

There was a pumpkin patch, a hayride, a corn maze, a hay-bale maze, pony rides, and something called a “straw crawl”  -

Here's a picture for your reference... ( for I too am guilty of exactly that which I am about to make fun of)

There’s also giant wooden scenes meant for the sole purpose of photo ops, even those ones with holes where you are supposed to put your face…let the high-jinx begin....  

You can't just get a pumpkin anymore, oh no no no no no, you need to document the adventure in 20 different places along the way.

Okay, so anyone who is "friends" with me on facebook knows that I am guilty of taking and posting an obnoxious number of pictures of my kids.  There are those who post pics of their dinner, those who tell you EVERYTHING they're doing every moment of the day and check in everywhere they go, those who start political arguments or passive aggressively fight with people who have wronged them in some way, there's the movie quoters, the lyric quoters, the play-by-play sports updaters and funny Seinfeld-style observers, and my personal favorite, the pouty lips in their bathroom mirror pics, just to name a very few…
(She does look lovely though, doesn't she?  If I got all dolled up in my best Snookie t-shirt and smushed my face up like that, I think I'd feel the need to document it as well...)

Anyway, so we all know the various facebook-offenders and where we lie in the hierarchy.  I’ve been guilty of some of these offenses (and more) at one time or another, but none more so than the high-volume-of-kid-picture-posting.  I do it all the time.  However, even as I realize and admit this about myself, I recently encountered a ridiculous phenomena that makes me look exceedingly normal by comparison (and I love discovering people who make me feel normal by comparison) –

They are those parents, (and sorry ladies, they were mostly mom’s) who are so completely and totally absorbed and obsessed with taking photos and posting them on facebook, that they are neither experiencing nor enjoying the event they are documenting.  I’ve seen these folks from time to time, but I saw them EN MASSE at the autumnal extravaganza this past weekend.  It was like they were all meeting there for a convention, a picture taking/facebook posting convention.   Now, as I’ve said, these fall-fun places are screaming PHOTO OPPORTUNITY, they really are, but I swear there were some people there who seemed like that’s truly all they cared about.  Fun for the kids was most definitely the secondary concern for these crazy broads.  (again…sorry ladies, I know there are nutty dads out there too, but this particular day, the offending parties I witnessed all happened to be women) –

The most blatant that I observed was a woman who was taking pictures of her kids climbing up what this place called the “straw crawl”.  I spotted a group near us with a couple parents and several kids who all seemed to be there together.  The kids were climbing up the straw crawl while this one lady took picture after picture after picture after picture with her phone.  She would then immediately post each picture on facebook. How do I know this?  Because she kept telling another woman in her group every time she got a “like” or a comment on one of the pictures.  She was talking about the "likes" on her 1^st picture, while she posted her 5^th, then took her 10^th, then posted that, then back to a discussion about the comments on her 3^rd.  Hard to keep up with?  Imagine you’re her!  What a mental workout!  Instead of watching and enjoying her kids having fun and running around in the mazes and crawling on straw, she stared at her phone the entire time.  I mean, the entire time.  From what I could see, the only time she even looked at her kids was through the screen on her phone to capture the next shot.  When she had sufficiently posted, labeled, commented and tagged every shot to her satisfaction, she looked around for her kids only to find that they were no where to be seen.    I’m guessing it was somewhere around shot 15 that they just took off. 

I’m happy to report that all her kids were eventually located.  I know this because unfortunately for me I ended up behind them in the very   l o n g   pony ride line.  Here she was filming little videos of her kids on the ponies, which I can only assume were promptly posted on facebook as well.   But, at least while she was filming their videos, she was forced to actually observe her kids in action, having fun.  And as I said, she was one of MANY.  Camera phones were the one accessory no one was without that afternoon.

Yes, I know, I know…for those of you that are reading this saying, “hello kettle?” remember that I did admit that I too am guilty of this, however I like to at least interact with my kids and enjoy these fun moments in time, one quick picture and then we’re back to having fun…of course the posting and facebooking can happen later ;)

So yes, when I stop to ask myself …. Wait, do I know anyone who’s guilty of taking and posting too many pictures of their kids, I’m faced with this image…

Thanks JD…I almost forgot.  Guilty as charged.

Chapter 22 - Halloween: A Chance to Dress Like A Whore

I was never that big on Halloween, just wasn’t my thing.  I loved it as a kid, but as I got older, I just didn’t get into it. Well actually, there was one Halloween party I went to in college where I dressed like Helen Roper and won a prize…that was fun…

but other than that, I never really dressed up for Halloween in my adult years.  However, now that I have kids, I LOVE Halloween.  I still don’t have any desire to dress up, but I love Halloween for them.  JD is only a year old, so he’s still at the age where I decide what he’s going to be, and he’s too young to complain about having to wear a coat over his costume (that dreadful obstacle that all kids in cold climates must endure), but Lily is SO excited about it and she has been talking about it and figuring out what she’d like to be this year since about mid-July.

Seeing as this is her first Halloween in the suburbs, I am most excited about the trick or treating.  With all due respect to our beloved New York City, trick-or-treating there is one thing I definitely will NOT miss.  I’m sure there are parents and kids out there that love what the city has to offer for Halloween, so I mean no disrespect to your fun and your traditions, but I HATED it.  Since you can’t really get into other people’s apartment buildings, your options are to knock on doors in your own building (and no one answers…not in our building anyway), or what most of the kids in our neighborhood on the Upper East Side did was go to local bars, restaurants and stores.  This is exactly as awkward as you might imagine, because not all local bars, restaurants and stores participate in trick-or-treating.  Basically you have to wander in, costumed-child in tow, stand there awkwardly until someone working there acknowledges you and either tells you yes, we are participating in trick-or-treating, or no, we are not.  This routine made my skin crawl.  Walking in, I felt like some kind of beggar, on edge and ready for the possible rejection of them looking at us like we are complete fools for coming into a clothing store, sushi restaurant or sports bar expecting them to give us candy.  So, I made Tony go in first and ask.  I just couldn’t handle the rejection, and it was certainly no fun for Lily to go into a place only to find out we’re not getting anything.  Some of the stores (God Bless Them!) would put out a sign that said, “Trick or Treaters Welcome”, which was the greatest thing ever…but, not enough of them did that,  the rest left you guessing.  So, Tony would go in, check with the hostess, bartender, guy-behind-the-counter, whatever…and then give us the thumbs up or down.  For the record, most of the bars and restaurants we went into participated.  About ½ of the stores did.  Delis, bakeries, drug stores, etc....most of them had something to give the kids.  (Big thumbs up to our favorite bakery Orwashers, who gave out big chocolate bat cookies….that were SO GOOD)

YAY ORWASHER'S!

 So, when we walked past an adorable kids bookstore, I said to Tony, “You don’t have to check, I’m sure they’re doing trick-or-treating”  and we walked in.  Lily walked her little Sleeping Beauty self up to the guy working there, held up her little plastic pumpkin and said “Trick or Treat!” and the guy behind the counter (we’ll call him “A-Hole”) …A-Hole looks at me and says, “I don’t have anything for her”, and he did not say it in a nice way, he said it  like…why are you coming into a store expecting free things for you kid.  I guess A-Hole didn’t know that it was Halloween and that he works in a KIDS book store – I mean...you're open, on Halloween...aren't most of your clientele little kids?  If you do have any customers coming into the bookstore that night they will most likely be CHILDREN, and since it’s Halloween won't most CHILDREN be in costumes and quite possibly trick-or-treating??? I mean, the bar next door to you is giving out candy to kids and you're not?? What a jerk – I was so mad, and it wasn’t just because he wasn’t prepared to give out candy, he just had such a bad attitude about it.  I’m sure he spent the night rejecting kid after kid and hopefully he eventually ran to Duane Reade for a stupid bag of candy to give out.  Anyway, so ….clearly I will not miss that upper east side trick-or-treating this year.  That said, there are lots of parades and activities and fun things for kids to do in New York City on Halloween, we just didn’t really do any of them.  Instead we made the bad choice to trick-or-treat in the various businesses on the UES, and I hated every minute of it.  SO…now that we are in the suburbs, I’m so excited to take the kids trick-or-treating door to door, without the anxiety that we will be turned down!

So….next thing we had to do was figure out costumes.  While JD is still young enough for me to decide, he’s going to be a tiger.  The suit looks ridiculously cute on him, and it will keep him very warm, so done and done….easy breezy.

As for Liliana….Coming off her 2011 tour as Sleeping Beauty, Lily has decided that this year, she will be Rapunzel.  (We’ll probably just work our way through the Disney Princess catalog year by year).  So, Rapunzel it is, purple dress, long blonde braid, purple plastic pumpkin covered in stickers check check check... Now, as I’ve said, I have not been that big on Halloween for many years, so it’s been awhile since I’ve made my way through the costume aisle of any store and until now, I’ve never looked up Halloween costumes online.  And looking at Halloween costumes in store and online, I’ve noticed a few truly scary things. 

It is not new that some “ladies” like to dress like hookers on Halloween.  That’s been going on forever, and I’m certainly not the first person to notice it or find it hilarious.  Though I’ve often wondered what that’s all about.  I suppose there are some girls out there that deep down really want to dress like a whore, but they know that’s not really all that cool, so Halloween is their one chance during the year to dress slutty in public, and it’s sort of socially acceptable.   So, okay…whatever their reasons are, it’s not for me to judge, but what I have noticed recently as I’ve been looking at Halloween costumes for the first time in years is WHY are the slutty costumes now available in popular childrens characters?? I mean we’re all familiar with  your typical slutty nurse, dirty gypsy or the classic French maid, but Slutty Strawberry Shortcake?  (also, on sale apparently)

Slutty Snow White?

And my personal favorite…slutty one-eyed purple monster?
What is this thing??

 Just WHO is it that you’re trying to attract?? If you are at a Halloween party or a bar, and you’re dressed like Slutty Angry Birds, Slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (which seriously cracks me up) or Slutty SpongeBob and that attracts a certain type of guy…is that really a guy you’re interested in, Slutty Raphael?

The guy whose attention you got because you are masquerading as the whore version of Minnie Mouse?

Then again...it's Halloween, and it's all in good fun, and I'm starting to feel like everything I just wrote makes me sound grumpy and old.   So, go for it girls, dress like whores and have fun doing it.  However, parents beware...when your little girl tells you she wants to be Princess Lea, and you're picturing this...

it won't be too long before she really means this...

Chapter 21 - I Lost My Mind At Party City

Once again, I’ve let far too much time pass between posts.  I’ve continued to try (and fail) in my adjustment to family life in the suburbs…there are just too many unwritten rules that I never got the memo on.  Of course, there’s the possibility that most parents are as clueless as Tony and I and they just play it off a little better, but I’m not so sure.  Our most recent foray into the land of the lost was planning my son JD’s first birthday party.  Now, first off…my daughter Lily’s 1^st birthday was much easier because we did what all good parents in New York City do…we had a party in a bar.  Done. Easy. (sorry Lily…we owe you one)

 – but, to be fair to Tony and I…Lily’s birthday, Tony’s birthday and my birthday all fall within the same 2 week period, so – it was one big outing for all three of us.  (okay, yes…we suck – my daughter had her first birthday in a bar) – but wait…before you judge, there were also TWO family parties for Lily’s first birthday, one in Texas and one in New Jersey, so we’re not total failures.

Anyway…back to JD’s 1^st birthday.  The fact that we now have a backyard (YAY!)  became the focus of everything in my warped mind.  When we were looking to move out of New York City and buy a house, I kept saying three ridiculous things: 1) where will we put the Christmas tree 2) Do you think it feels haunted and 3) we need to buy a house in time for JD to have his 1^st birthday party outside in a  backyard.  So, admittedly, I’m a little crazy to begin with, but now fast-forward to the planning of said birthday party.  Considering the fact that JD’s party was not even really that big, really just family and a few close friends, I’m still in shock about the amount of mind-loss that went on in my house leading up to it.  The pinnacle of which happened the day before the party… at Party City.  

We decided that the theme of JD’s birthday-party-in-the-backyard would be Thomas the Tank Engine, because he likes Thomas the Tank Engine, and because it’s a popular enough character that he’s easy to find in most stores (cut to a montage of Sue furiously scooping up Thomas merchandise everywhere she goes.  There’s Sue running into Foodtown for milk, and buying $30 worth of Thomas paper plates, napkins and cups….There’s Sue stopping at Target for diapers, but can’t get out of the store without quickly grabbing every Thomas streamer, banner and tablecloth on the shelf….) 

– but Party City…ahhhhh Party City, that’s where the buying nonsense hit its peak.  Mistake #1 was going to Party City in the first place. There’s just too much to choose from for someone like me.  It’s like when I’m faced with an 8 page Diner menu and I just shut down, my brain can’t handle all the choices…

so when I was in there just wandering around completely overwhelmed and Tony called from the parking lot to ask just what in the name of God was taking so long, I told him to just get the kids out of the car and come inside.  That was my 2^nd mistake, and most costly.  Including my daughter in any kind of shopping trip that involves anything that could remotely resemble a toy is an error.  Basically anything in the store that was pink and shiny and lit up, she wanted it….so there’s that.  Second, I don’t know about normal adults and how they act, but when you put Tony and I in an aisle full of THOUSANDS of small plastic toys (for the purpose of stuffing kids goodie bags) –

 you can just sit back and watch complete nonsense take over.  Of course we could not agree on anything and were having serious discussions about the validity of each of our choices…like crazy people.  I think the highlight of the shopping trip was probably when Tony was literally screaming the words, “…because Sue…ALL kids love kazoos, THAT’S WHY!!!!” – That was probably the part where the staff was starting to consider whether or not the Zertuche family should be allowed to continue their stay at Party City. 

 I’m sure one look at the hundreds of dollars worth of Thomas The Tank Engine merchandise in the cart helped our cause.  

In any event….one piñata, 4 bags of candy, 6 giant helium balloons, 1 giant inflatable clown, untold numbers of Thomas the Tank decorative items and dozens of small plastic choking hazards for our guests later (and yes…we got the kazoos), we finally made our way up to the register.  It was late August at the time, but already the front of the store was full of Halloween decorations, and there was some kind of talking skeleton near the door.  It scared my daughter to death, and she has vowed never to return to Party City again, which is probably for the best.  She wants a Sleeping Beauty birthday party this year, but has assured me that we can find everything we need at Target.  Partially from fear of returning to Party City, home of the talking skeleton, and partially because the poor thing probably still thinks we can’t embarrass our entire family there.  She’ll learn…

Chapter 20 - The FUN BUS is here!

Okay, so my daughter Lily is only 3 1/2 and my son John Diego is one month away from his 1st birthday, so I'm still learning about the myriad of activities children participate in.  Of course I've heard the stories from other parents about the financial burden and insane schedules of their kids activities.  Sports, dance class, music lessons, art lessons, karate, horse back riding, drum circles, I don't know....whatever else kids do these days.  I know that a huge calendar and an entire package of dry erase markers are in my future so I can keep track of all of it.

I know this is coming, and I know it will be like a second job and I know that some parents tell me that I'll take back what I'm about to say, BUT..... I'm so new at all of this that I still find it VERY fun (I know, I know, but I'm still new at this, and I LOVE it) --
Currently Lily has swimming lessons, dance class and something called "Fun Bus"

(which really just means that a big bus pulls up in front of her daycare and she and a bunch of other kids play around inside of it for about an hour - she LOVES it).  


Now, there are kids in Lily's class that don't participate in the "Fun Bus", for reasons that I am not privy to.  I think I'm too over emotional to ponder this too much, but I hate the thought of the Fun Bus pulling up and all the kids screaming and running out to play on it, and who are the 3 or 4 sad kids that are left behind to hang out in the classroom for that lonely hour? I'm sure they have their reasons, but I swear I almost cried when Lily told me that not all the kids do it.  Maybe some of them just plain don't like it (although, the word "FUN" is in the title....so what's up with them??)

Anyway, she also recently started dance class, and so far her excitement level at that is pretty much off the charts.  I'm sure at some point watching her do what she calls "bal-la-let kicks and spin-arounds" will get old, but we're not there yet.  Dance class is a BIG hit.  Swimming lessons however....didn't get off to the same enthusiastic start.  On the first day of her swimming lessons, I was a nervous wreck. I loved that it was something she was starting through her daycare so she would be comfortable with a bunch of people she already knew, but I also hated the fact that since the class is during the day while I'm in the city at work, I couldn't be there.  So on the day of her first class I was SO worried.  Well, as it turns out, I had absolutely NOTHING to worry about, (except my money going down the filter) because she didn't even get in the pool!
Apparently she was afraid of the two male swimming instructors - 

I guess the little nut doesn't fall too far from the tree because my first swimming lesson (at the Hackettstown Community Pool, my childhood home away from home) was a similar disaster.  My teacher (who called himself "Tony the Tiger") also scared the hell out of me, and the first opportunity I had, I took off...  






We played a game called Sharks and Minnows, and as soon as Tony the Tiger was "it" and closed his eyes (probably not the best idea for the man in charge of a bunch of kids still learning how to swim...but, what the heck, it was the 70's) - anyway, as soon as he closed his eyes, I took off.  I ran away from the pool and hid at the snack bar (beginning a lifetime of safety, acceptance and comfort in the form of salty sugary snacks - 

I love you lemon italian ice with that weird little flat wooden spoon...you're my very very best friend)  
Well anyway, I'm happy to report that Lily did not run away, she just hung out pool side on her teacher's lap.  I'm also happy to report that she has since gotten into the pool and can now kick, kick, kick with the best of them.   


By the time JD is old enough to participate in some kind of activity, we'll have to win the lottery to afford all of these classes times two, but I look forward to it because I think something to channel his ridiculous amounts of energy will be good.  Right now his interests lie in eating, doing everything in his power to splash in the cat's water dish, eating, climbing, pulling Lily's hair, smashing, and eating.  So, I'm not sure that's on the weekly Fun Bus agenda, but maybe he will be ready to broaden his horizons by the time that's an option.  I don't expect JD will have any fear of the swimming instructors, but I also don't know if he'll show any interest in the pool if there isn't some food floating in it -- so, we'll see how that turns out.   If he disappears during the lesson, his mother most certainly knows where the snack bar is located...  I guess both of my beautiful  little nuts fell close to the tree in their own special ways : )