Chapter 17 - Honk If You Love Liberty!

No, of course my drive in the car is never as interesting or entertaining as my morning bus rides once were.  The similarities are that I still rapid fire questions at Lily about every single thing she did during her day (I LOVE to hear everything that happened to her at daycare)- and that JD still sleeps through the whole thing.  The differences of course are that there are no crazy strangers to worry about and I didn’t have to push and shove to get a seat in my car.  So anyway, now that we’re driving around the suburbs in a car, there are a few things I’ve noticed and that I’m curious about, so I’ll start with something I’ve seen every morning when driving my kids to daycare. (Up until earlier this week, that is, since tax day has come and gone) And that is the living advertisements for a local tax preparer.  I could kick myself for NOT getting a picture of this, or better yet, a quick video with my phone.  This place is paying kids to stand at several different intersections (and that’s just what I see on my ride…there are probably lots more than just what I see)  holding signs that say “honk if you love liberty” and they are all dressed like the Statue of Liberty.  We’ve also seen the occasional Uncle Sam, but mostly it’s Lady Liberty. They are all young men in their late teens/early 20’s, they all wear headphones and dance around like crazy to music only they can hear, and they all hold signs saying “honk if love liberty” and try REALLY hard to get you to honk your horn at them as you drive by.  Which is fine…..  I mean, they are more than just a little distracting which is obviously the point, though maybe having them at busy intersections might not be the safest idea, but since someone is paying them to draw attention to themselves, I guess dancing around on a quiet dead end street would make little to no sense. (and how weird would that be for the person who lives on that dead end)  But anyway…here’s what I’m wondering.  WHO is the person that would decide to take their taxes there because a kid dancing around in a green dress and foam crown got them to honk their car horn that morning?  I get that its drawing attention to the place, but other than the campiness of it…is it really adding to their business?  It definitely serves as a good public service reminder of the fact that it’s time to get your taxes done – but, I’m wondering if the place that actually has these kids on their payroll is truly getting any business from this?  Have sales increased?  Does The Statue of Liberty bring in more business than Uncle Sam, or was her costume just cheaper?   Does Patriotic drag drum up more business?

Okay, yes – it’s harmless, but one small gripe I do have is the kid that holds his sign up, trying SO hard to get me to honk to show I love liberty is also blocking my view of upcoming cars in the process.  Here’s the thing…now that I’m back in NJ I’m really enjoying the option to turn right on red (which does not exist in New York City, so it’s a real treat…..see, pork roll was not the only thing I missed while being away from my home-state) – So, this clown holds his sign up and in the way, so it makes it harder for me to see if there are cars coming.  Also, how do I know if anyone is honking at me, or just trying to show off how much they love liberty?  And when I honk at the kid to tell him to move, he just takes it as a sign of my liberty-loving appreciation for his routine, and it makes him dance that much more, raising his sign up that much higher.  By then, the light has turned green and I’m going because green means go…not because I’m back in a place where I can turn right on red! (sigh)

At the end of the day I had no intention of taking my taxes to this place, but obviously their marketing caught my attention and gave me some things to think about, for example: I wonder if a lot of kids show up to apply for this job, and if there are some that are actually turned away.  What’s the job interview like for such an assignment? Do they have to audition?  I wonder if there are specific dance moves that are taught to them, or if they are allowed to just freestyle?  I’m new to this town, is this some fun kitchy thing that the locals look forward to every April?  Are there kids who have been watching the dancing lady liberties their whole life, just waiting for the chance to apply for the job?  I have to say that they all do look pretty happy to be there, particularly one kid that we saw every morning and watched him change over time from a paste-y shade of white to a fairly decent tan (at least where his crown and gown don’t cover) 

Alas….give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free….and honk if you love liberty.  

Chapter 16 - Cheers to the M15!

Hmmm…well, I didn’t take a bus today – I’m sorry to disappoint.  Whatever shall I write about….my adventures going forward are going to be quite different, I can tell.   Forgive me if this post is longer than usual, I haven't written in a while : )  


First off, I’ll be partially working from home, which will make life so much easier, I can’t even tell you.   I’ll still go into the city, just not every day …more on that commute in a bit --

Before I begin writing about this next chapter of life, I’ll wrap up the last bit with a brief description of my last NYC morning bus commute with the kids (brief because it was blissfully uneventful) J  

Here it is (yes, I took pictures) -- this was the last M15 we took down 2nd ave for a morning commute:

At one point during the ride Lily was singing “I’m sexy and I know it” over and over, which did earn a few chuckles from those within ear shot…but, other than  that we kept to ourselves and no one bothered us.  

John Diego, my sweet sweet nugget, was feeling a little sentimental about the whole thing, I think.  This picture is from that last ride:

His sister did not share the sentimentality, she was downright blissful that our days on the M15 were over. I asked her to show me how she felt about taking the bus for the last time, and this is the picture I got:

The ride home that day was of usual annoyance – super crowded and no seats to be had…then about 2 stops into the ride a kid who looked about 12 or so got up for us (he ate no less than 6 starbursts during the ride, by the way, one after the other with his mouth wide open the whole time, kinda gross – but, thanks for the seat)  We hopped off that bus and walked home and that was that.   I asked Lily if she was going to miss the bus and she said, without hesitation or doubt, “Mama, I will NOT miss that bus” – Amen darling, simply put and I couldn’t agree more -

And while I'm adding some pictures to the mix...  I took this one earlier that same week when I caught Lily with the glazed over stare that I've seen on so many faces on the subway or bus.  When I saw Lily with that look, I knew it was time to get my city mouse off the bus and out to the country (or in this case...to the beach!)

So, we moved.  It would take hours to describe the sheer joy that our move brought to my life (read: sarcasm) – Honestly, it was long, exhausting and poorly done.  We’re now in our new house and surrounded by cardboard and bags and crates in various states of unpack.  Unpacking has been a bit challenging as Tony tends to pack in the most unorganized fashion possible (he did most of the packing for this last move, as I was usually on kid-wrangling duty).   It’s as if he took every box and packed one or two items from every room in our apartment, then went back to the first room and started over with a new box.  There isn’t a “kitchen” box with just kitchen stuff, for example.  There isn’t a “bathroom" box with just those items.   That’s what normal people do….but not us…  This morning I unpacked a box that had the following items:  Kitchen knives, a microphone (why do we have that??), a coffee can full of pens, a small Buddha candle holder,  some pot holders that my niece crocheted for Tony a few years ago, a baby-food maker (the  Beaba), a bunch of JD’s toys, an Army canteen, and a small stack of books, at the top of the which was a book titled “Tao of Jeet Kune Do”, by Bruce Lee.  

I have never seen this book on any shelf in any apartment we’ve lived in in the 9 years that Tony and I have lived together…no idea where it had been living up until this point.   Also, there are some of Lily’s toys in the bottom of almost every box.  A doll shoe or tiara or small plastic animal….something of hers made it’s way into every single box.   So, unpacking this mess has been delightful to say the least.

So, let’s see….since I like writing about my bus adventures….I did take a commuter bus into the city our first week here.  It was so completely different from the MTA bus I took up 2^nd avenue every morning.  Well, first…because I wasn’t with my kids  (I had just dropped them off at daycare) – so, that made it boring.  And 2nd, it was a bunch of folks commuting in from NJ, so a much longer ride and a totally different feel all together, and 3^rd  – the bus was super comfy and super clean.  While I was waiting for the bus I met an older woman named Margaret.  She was riding the bus a few stops down the road to go play BINGO at the VFW.  (wish I could have joined her…who doesn’t want to do that on a weekday morning???)  Margaret told me that she raised 9 kids in New York City, including 2 sets of twins.  She explained that they didn’t look alike, because there are two different kinds of twins : “fraternal and paternal”  ; )   So, who says there aren't characters at the bus stops in NJ.  Margaret was lovely and I really enjoyed chatting with her.

The ride itself…that was really different.  At one point I looked out the window and saw that we were driving through (not past but THROUGH…) an amusement park.    It was completely abandoned and had a creepy feel to it, like I was expecting Pennywise the Clown to pop up in the bus window and ask me if I want a balloon.  The whole thing had a slow, dreamy quality to it.  A little bit later, we got back on the highway and the creep factor went away.  Still not sure what that part of the bus ride was about since my husband took the same bus earlier that morning and it did not go to any amusement parks – perhaps I dreamt the entire thing, I don’t know – I have been a little delirious lately -

But, most days I drive the kids to daycare, then come back home and work.  Oh, and there is someone else who really loves my new home office...Lieutenant Dan couldn't be happier:

Working from home is just one thing on a growing list of WONDERFUL things about our move. (not that I won't miss the city....) BUT...here are some more….Yesterday while I was putting JD’s carseat into the car (which still takes me a minute….these everyday things are all new for us) Lily ran around on our front lawn and picked dandelions.  She thinks they are baby flowers that will grow into something bigger if we leave them alone, and since we don’t own a lawnmower yet….she might just get to test that theory.  One of the main reasons I wanted to move in the first place was so my kids could have a yard…watching her run around in the grass suddenly made  the nonsense of dealing with a short sale purchase SOOOO worth it ;)

On the ride home after their first day in their new daycare, Lily told me she has a new friend who asked her to put their sleeping bags next to each other for nap time (I was so happy I cried).  She couldn’t remember her new friend’s name on that first day, but called her “The Girl with the Kangaroo Shirt” (Stieg Larsson’s next novel, if he were still around to write it) -  and speaking of daycare, my son has already completely charmed every female in the building, old and young and in between (he’s also trying to nurse off every woman who holds him…..oh dear…)

The Easter Bunny was finally able to visit the kids in their own house and hide things in a THEIR yard.  What a great morning that was.  So, there have definitely been a lot of highlights….and here’s another one: -- my new Monday morning commute:

I mentioned the bus I tried our first week here.  The amusement park detour makes it a much longer (creepier) ride, and there was a stalled vehicle in the tunnel the day I came in, making me late for work and reminding me how much I hate coming through the tunnel.  So, I have decided that from now on, I shall be treating myself to the ferry.  It leaves from Atlantic Highlands and goes directly to midtown on the east side.  It's surreal to see a pier full of men in suits carrying briefcases walking single file to the boat.  (I'll have to post pics of that next week) -- There are women on the ferry too, but the ratio is like 4 to 1, so if there are any single folks out there looking for a nice guy from jersey who can afford to take the ferry, come stay over and commute in with me next week! ;)  Honestly, words cannot describe how much better this commute is in every way.  Well, I really don’t even have to describe it too much, do I?  I mean, I’m on a boat for heaven’s sake!   This view is ever so much different than the subway construction I'd pass every morning on 2nd avenue. 

The walk to get to the ferry isn't so bad either :)

It’s about a 20 minute walk from my house to the ferry, and then once I get into the city, a 10 minute walk from the ferry to my office.  It’s clean, calm, quiet and I might just get a tan on Monday mornings. The first time I took it I asked someone in front of me if they take cash, or do I need to buy my ticket in advance.  He said, “you need cash to get on, but they will take a credit card at the bar” – Okay??!!?!   Enough said. 

 My first thought was “The M15 bus really could have used a bar”.  Not that people didn’t drink on the bus (you remember Huggy Bear, the stone cold ladies man) but, of course that bus was BYOPB (bring your own paper bag)

Yes, the ferry costs more, but I’ve decided to allow myself this one luxury.  It’s only one day a week, and I never spend money on myself for anything.  I’m not a  hair and nails kinda girl, I spend zero dollars on stuff like that, I hate to shop, I seldom buy stuff for myself, so if my one treat is a Monday commute on a ferry….I dare say I’ve earned it.  I’m going to try to remind myself every Monday morning, as we’re drifting away from the dock, what it was like to ride with all those lunatics who pushed and shoved me to get onto the bus, who didn’t get up for me when I was 8 months pregnant and carrying a toddler in my arms, who gave me dirty looks if my babies cried too loud….. I will sit back and relax, listening to the sounds of the water splashing the ferry with the sun on my face and I will smile thinking about all of them….and on my commute home that night, I might just toast them with a drink from the ferry bar… J  Cheers to the M15!!

Chapter 15 - "Mama, we did our best"

We had a particularly rough morning earlier this year.  It was about 13 degrees outside (one of the FEW very cold days this past winter), Lily and John Diego and I were all sick.  We piled on layer on top of layer on top of layer and then coughed and sneezed and shivered our way to the bus. The bus was packed, we squeezed our way on with all the other freezing people who were probably having just as rough of a morning as we were.  JD’s in a side carrier on my hip, so I had one free hand to hang on to the pole (no, of course we didn’t get a seat), and the other hand to hold onto Lily as she gets flung around every time the driver stops short.  By the time we got off the bus and walked to the daycare, we were frozen, exhausted, pretty much ready to end our day rather than just begin it.  We were defrosting in the lobby of the building when Lily looked up at me and said, “Mama, we did our best”.  Yeah, I guess we did.

And so I realized something, I guess most of these stories that are sometimes funny or frustrating really gave me some parenting moments that I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere else, for better or worse.  (In my limited experience of being a parent for just over 3 years…) 

It struck me one day just how lucky I am to have these adventures when I was actually riding the bus by myself, heading to a doctor’s appointment on my lunch break. Lily was probably about a year old at the time, already at the daycare for the day.  I boarded the bus, I sat down (of course when I’m by myself and not struggling with kids and multiple bags, there are MORE than enough seats) and there I was.  Without the baby I could read a book, I could listen to music, I could flip through a magazine, I could make a phone call, and here’s the thing:  I was bored.  I was beyond bored.  The bus was mine and Lily’s thing and I didn’t like doing it without her.  I wanted my girl there with me to point out all the dogs she saw out the window, or to throw her elmo doll at a stranger, or to play rockstar concert with her princess dolls on my lap.  It was a nice, calm, quiet, easy, in fact relaxing way to travel, and I didn’t care for it at all.  Lily did that for me.  She changed my normal, she changed my routine.  She made it messy and hectic and sticky and frantic and loud and she made it wonderful and hilarious and something I will always treasure. (And obviously this applies not just to our nonsense on the bus, but to everything in life that is so much better now that I get to share it with my kids).  Anyway, I guess I’m keeping and recording these stories for them so that we never forget these ridiculous experiences. 

Lily is a city mouse who doesn’t know that our morning ritual is a bit crazy.  A barrage of strangers trying to touch her and feed her and give her mother unwanted parenting advice…that’s her normal, and the fact that she made it so fun and so hilarious is just further proof of what an amazing little girl she really is.   As for John Diego, well – he’s a national treasure because usually he just sleeps through the whole thing….as I’ve said before, he’s actively campaigning for Baby of the Year.

So, I know that I am actually very lucky to have these funny experiences with my kids.  Of course sometimes it sucks, and it might be nice to throw my kids into car seats and head out in a nice, warm car without crazy people trying to share their food, their advice and their colds.  But then I wouldn’t be able to commute while participating in the daily rock concert that lily’s dolls have on her lap, or just staring at my son during a bus ride while he sleeps on my lap.  And even though I really don’t like making small talk with strangers, it is nice, it’s actually really nice to have people you don’t know tell you on a regular basis how beautiful your children are.  I’m not saying the bus is great, or even good, or even bearable.  But, while I am forced to use it as a way to get from Place A to Place B with Lily and JD, I’m trying to appreciate the time I’m spending with them on it, to make the most of it, to even enjoy it.  (and what the heck, it gave me something funny to write about from time to time)

That said – we’re packing up and moving out.  

I’m taking my city mice and moving them to the beach, where they will learn to appreciate sand, pork roll, and Bruce Springsteen…This will actually be our LAST week of riding the M15 every day.  So, I guess that’s the end of the “Tales of Public Transportation” part of my blog – but, I’m quite sure that the “MadMom” side of me will still come up with something to complain about, or ponder out loud…..

I’ve had about 1,300 site visits to my blog so far, which has been really nice – Thank you all for visiting, and I really hope you all keep reading…..  something tells me that that I’ll be able to come up with something to say about raising kids at the Jersey shore….stay tuned!

Chapter 14 - Would you like to sit down? (SIGH!!!)

I’ve been pregnant on the bus, I’ve been carrying a baby on the bus, I’ve been carrying a baby in one hand and a stroller in the other, I’ve been carrying a stroller in one hand and holding a toddler’s hand with the other with a baby strapped to my side in a carrier and a breastpump in a backpack on my back, I’ve been pregnant and limping, I’ve been carrying multiple bags, a wet umbrella, a stroller and a baby, I’ve been pregnant while carrying a 2 year old in one hand and a bag of Crumbs cupcakes in the other that I was desperately trying not to squish  – (you get the picture…..) – and there have been many many many many days where I was not offered a seat….which is fine, I don’t deserve a seat anymore than anyone else, and I’m sure everyone else on my bus has their list of valid reasons why they too would like to sit down.  I don’t complain (not right then and there anyway – complaints were generally saved for snippy facebook status updates – yeah, I’m really tough, huh?), I don’t sigh and carry on… I’m not any more entitled to a seat than say, someone who doesn’t look like a Sherpa trying to get her kids onto the bus… But, if I’m being honest, there have been days where it would have been REALLY nice to have been offered a seat.  Who gets to sit down on public transportation is an urban phenomena that I watch play out daily.  Sometimes it’s amusing, sometimes it’s upsetting and sometimes it makes me want to slap people repeatedly with all my might.

I once overheard someone on my bus say something about a handicapped person not choosing to be handicapped, but that a pregnant person had a choice.  Yes, that was their argument for why NOT to offer a seat to all the pesky pregnant ladies out there.  Personally I think that argument is stupid, but we’re all entitled to our opinions.  During my pregnancies, I never asked anyone to stand up so that I could sit down and I will continue to offer my seat to a pregnant lady every time I see one because I’ve been there and I know how exhausted she is.  Wait…that’s not really true.  I will continue to offer my seat not just because I’ve been there but because, well, that’s just the decent thing to do and my parents didn’t raise me to be an asshole.

Now, this first story didn’t actually happen on the bus, it happened on the subway.  I was riding the N train with my nephew who was visiting from Texas.  I was visibly, quite-obviously pregnant at the time (this was in 2008, I was pregnant with Lily).  My nephew and I were standing in the middle of the train.  About 5 minutes into the ride, a man sitting down in front of us looked up and said, “oh young lady, where are my manners?  I can’t possibly sit here while you have to stand?  Please, please take my seat!!”.  I was just about to say, “thank you so much” and put my tired swollen self into his seat when I realized that he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to the cute young girl next to me.  She was about 18 years old and very pretty (she was not pregnant.  She was not handicapped.  She was not ill or injured in any way, just very young and very cute).  She was embarrassed and said, “no thanks, I’m fine” and he went on and on and on AND ON about how could he possibly sit down when such a lovely young girl had to stand and where were his manners and blah blah blah… So, I guess it’s not entirely fair to say that chivalry is dead.  It’s not dead, it’s just grossly misguided.

Well, the reason I was thinking about all of this today is because this morning was just more of the same…..  Here’s how it went down:

I shuffled onto the bus with the kids, JD’s in the carrier, Lily’s on foot.  There are no seats, but as soon as we got on a man sitting down noticed us and stood up right away.  He offered his seat and I said, “that would be great, thank you” – then I told Lily to hop into the seat.  It’s easier for me to stand up with JD strapped to me (THANK YOU Baby Wearing!!) – then to try to hang on to all 30 pounds of Lily every time the bus stops short.  A woman sitting in the seat next to the one Lily just took says to me, “why don’t you sit down instead?”  – to which I say, “it’s easier for me to stand and give my daughter the seat”.  To which the woman says, “well, that’s ridiculous, you’re holding a baby.”  Ummmmm, Seriously???  That’s “ridiculous”?  You have a problem with the three year old taking the seat?? If it’s bothering you so much lady, why don’t YOU get up and give me your damn seat??? (unfortunately I didn’t say any of that, that’s just a bit o’ my inner monologue) --   THEN she says,”I think he offered his seat because you’re holding a baby”. So, apparently I’ve got some nerve….carrying a baby as some sort of seat-needing decoy, just so I can then put my toddler into the seat instead.  You’ve figured me out lady!! – Better check my son to make sure he’s real and not just a device in my evil plan to let my daughter sit down.  Fortunately, someone who was NOT a miserable bitch was listening to the whole thing, stood up and said, “here, why don’t you sit next to your daughter”, and I did.  So, hooray for us – we scored 2 seats and once I sat down Lily and I played pretend Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are in a rocky boat that has an elevator up to their castle and tuned out everyone around us, including miss nosy-pants.    I guess it’s just further evidence that there are some people out there that are so bored, or so miserable, or so out-of-touch that they make the rest of us feel like we’re being observed in some sort of social experiment.  Perhaps that’s what my bus actually is.  Wait a minute…is that it???  Is it simply that my commute for the past few years has been some sort of “Truman show” and I’m going to bump into a piece of the set any day now and the whole thing will be revealed! – 
Does that mean I’ll get paid for any of this??

Chapter 13 - Stone Cold Ladies Man

Last week we had to take the kids to a dr’s appt.  We were riding the same bus I always take to get home, but about 2 hours later than I usually take it.  About 2 stops in, a man almost fell on me. He apparently had lost his footing as the bus took off, tripped over a walker that another man had left completely blocking the aisle, grabbed at the walker to steady himself, but lost his balance anyway and almost landed on yours truly (sound familiar? – only difference was, this time the guy was not enormous).  Anyway, he ended up flipping the walker over on to its side, and in doing so spilled the beer that the man with the walker was drinking out of a brown paper bag. 

 So to recap: in one motion, guy almost falls on us, walker gets flung over, beer goes flying and spills all over the place.  (note-  the beer-drinking owner of the walker was seated and was not injured in anyway, save the fact that he’s now out one beer)  A woman sitting across from him says to the man who fell, “hey! – that was your own fault!  You should NOT have grabbed his walker to catch yourself!  You were being laaaaaazy!  That’s YOUR fault sir!  That is YOUR fault, SIR!” – He takes his handkerchief out and starts cleaning up the beer, at which point the walker guy says, “it’s not your job to clean up the bus, just have a seat, man” - - and he does.  The two men seem to have forgiven eachother and all is well, but the woman across the way is still upset about the whole incident.  “He spilled your beer!!!  You’d still have your beer if he weren’t so laaaaaaazy!!”   Another stop later, the guy who tripped and almost fell on me got off the bus and the woman and the guy with the walker continued to talk.  Turns out her mother lives in the same neighborhood as he does, and she tells him that he looks familiar to her, at which point he says, “They call me Huggy Bear, I sing R&B, I’m known everywhere”.  I’m not sure if he rhymed on purpose, but I definitely loved what he had to say and he had my attention for the rest of the ride.  The conversation continued and they started to talk about the TV shows that they like – they discussed Davy Jones and his recent passing.  Huggy Bear said that didn’t realize as a kid how “corny” the Monkees were, but now he knows…oh yeah baby, now he knows… – They talked about the telanovellas she likes to watch, mostly because she thinks the men are beautiful.  Huggy Bear said, "I wouldn't know anything about that, baby, as I am without any doubt a stone cold ladies man”.  He rattled off a few of his favorite shows that he still likes to catch when they’re on…the list included 

Good Times, 

Soul Train, 

Sanford and Son 

aaaaaaaand Gidget

   

 Around the time we got off the bus, the woman was sharing her list of favorite shows and wanted to know why there is always “at least one token fat person” on every show she likes to watch.   That’s pretty much the last part we heard, he still loves Gidget and she wonders about the overweight folks on all her favorite shows.

I would like to mention that my husband was with us on this particular bus ride (time out -  it seems that there’s some unwritten blogging rule that you are supposed to refer to your husband as “the hubs”.  I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to refer to him as “the hubs”, I’m sorry – I’m just going to have to stick to calling him by his name, which is Tony)  So, since we were coming from the kids doctor’s office, Tony was with me for our ride home that night, and I’m glad he was because when things took a turn for the interesting, (which they always do on my bus) he was there to witness it.  I’m happy about this mainly because he is a member of the Doubting Thomas tribe who questions the validity of my “bus stories” saying I’m making them up.  I promise you I have not made up one story that I have posted on this blog.  I wish I was able to conjur up characters like Huggy Bear, but I’m simply not that creative.  So, Tony said if he weren’t with me to see it, he would have thought I was inventing or exaggerating, I assure you that I am not.  Huggy Bear, stone-cold ladies man, walker tipped over, beer went flying, loves Gidget….it’s all real, baby.

Chapter 12 - "It's Exploitation!" : A heated fight over American Girl Dolls

 Chapter 12 - 

This morning on the bus, Lily and I unintentionally caused an argument between two women about American Girl dolls. 

 I don’t really know enough about American Girl dolls to have a strong opinion one way or the other.  I have an opinion…its just not a strong one… meaning – I don’t really care that much....certainly not enough to get involved in a fight on the bus -

One thing I do know about them is that they are expensive and knowing my daughter, it’s not going to be long before they land on her “must have” list, and she’s one of those kids that heard the phrase “collect them all” on a commercial, and she intends to do as she’s told.  “But Mama, the commercial said to COLLECT THEM ALL!” – Anyway, its one thing to spend a lot of money on a doll, but its the accessories for the dolls that are really out of this world  – you can buy them anything from crutches to eyeglasses to a baby grand piano (for $150…not kidding)  To me this is madness, but if there are people out there who have that kind of money and want to spend it on a piano for a doll, then who am I to judge?  (Especially because I'm sure I'll have to eat my words when my daughter is a little older and I'm knee-deep in such madness.)

American Girl also has something called the Doll Hair Salon, which I should probably just take my daughter to if for no other reason than I’m sure I could have a really great blog entry after that experience.

I wonder how much these women drink before their shift starts:

That said, I'm not writing to promote or trash American Girl dolls, they're super cute and I'm sure my daughter will love them when she's older and I'll have to make reservations for doll brunches and doll ear piercings and then I can start a blog called "Crazy Sh*t I Do With My Kids"...but, in the meantime, and for the purposes of this blog, I'll get back to what went down with the crazies on my bus.

I got on with the kids and actually scored 2 seats right away (yes!).  Diego is in the carrier on my lap, Lily is next to me, and on the other side of her is Woman A (we’ll call her Apollo Creed).  Lily was carrying a doll with her, (not an American Girl doll, one of her “LaLaLoopsey” dolls). 

  Apollo says to Lily “what a funny doll, what is her name?”, at which point Lily gets a little scared and turns to me and says, “YOU tell her” – so, feeling like an idiot I turn to the woman and say, “That’s Mittens Fluff-n-Stuff”.  Apollo gives me a small courtesy laugh and I’m hoping that’s the end of our exchange for the morning, but of course it’s not.  She wants to chat with Lily, not me....  She tries again, “where did you get that doll?  Did Santa bring her??” – Lily again turns to me and says, “YOU tell her”, so I tell Apollo that Lily got the doll for her birthday from her Grandmother.   I’m hoping that after not one but TWO “YOU tell her’s” from Lily that Apollo will give up on the chats, but nope…she’s persistent.  So, here comes attempt #3 -- Apollo: “Does your Grandma like American Girl dolls?”, which was a tad random.  I’m not sure why she would ask or care whether or not my Mom likes American Girl dolls and I’m not sure what that has to do with the LaLaLoopsy doll that Lily was holding, but I guess she was just riffing on doll questions at that point. Lily looked at me like, “I have no idea what to say to this woman” and again said, “YOU tell her”. Not waiting for our answer, Apollo then launches into a monologue of all things American Girl Doll…maybe she works there or something, I don’t know –– but, she told us about all of the wonderful services and things that AGD has to offer, (this, incidentally, is how I know that there is a doll hair salon…Apollo told me) – She also told us that you can take your doll to a tea party or to brunch, ("...but you have to make a reservation!" she said in a sing-songy voice) and you can even get her ears pierced. I had to look that one up to see if it was actually true, and she’s right.  You really can get your dolls ears pierced, for $14.  It even comes with a "tip sheet for home care" - which I really want to get just so I can see what the hell tips they have for "home care" of a dolls ears.

  Well anyway,  when Apollo got to the part about ear piercing, that’s when Woman B stepped in  (we will call her “Rocky”) – Rocky says LOUDLY, “It’s Exploitation…THAT’S what it is!”  I wasn’t aware until that moment that Rocky was even paying attention, but she had apparently heard enough.  And quite honestly, she was a little too heated right out of the gate in my opinion. Maybe she had other stuff going on, I don't know -

Unfortunately (and I'm very sorry -- this really sucks from a "story-telling" standpoint)  I missed most of the point-counterpoint that followed because right when it started to get good Lily got bored with the whole thing and started singing LOUDLY (for a kid who gets so shy when a stranger asks her a question, she has no problem belting out Under the Sea RIGHT when I’m trying to enjoy a good fight)   - From what I COULD hear they mostly went back and forth about the positives and negatives of AGD’s.  Apollo was more on the defense, whereas Rocky brought some serious anger to the table. Apollo never said why she knew so much or cared so much about AGD's, and if Rocky ever stated exactly why she was so passionately angry about the whole thing, I certainly missed it – I have to say I’m annoyed that it was because of us that the fight started in the first place, and I didn’t even really get to enjoy it….

Lucky me, I can't believe I was seated in between the two women who would actually take this so seriously....

When WE are the Problem...

Chapter 11 – When WE are the Problem...

I have lots of stories and complaints about people being totally uncool to and around my kids when we take the bus, but of course I realize that we are sometimes an annoying component of their daily commute as well.  Most of the people riding my bus are not Mom’s or Dad’s taking their kids to school or daycare, they are people simply trying to get to work with as much calm and quiet as they can (and since I’m a member of both of these groups, I do empathize with both).

I realize that it can be annoying to have little kids playing, screaming, singing, kicking, etc during one’s daily commute.  Lily has been loud on occasion (I can’t really include Diego in this theme because he never makes a sound on the bus.  He’s actively campaigning for baby of the year – incidentally, he’d love your vote) 
Of course what I see as my darling, adorable, angelic little girl being creative, gifted, entertaining and endearing, the woman across from me will see as loud, annoying, obnoxious and well, loud (had to throw that in twice for good measure). But, for the most part, she really is pretty good -- She’s a city-mouse with 3 years of bus-commuting under her little belt, she knows how to be kind, courteous and respectful ....a mini mass transit pro.  So, with that feather in my cap, I’m going to allow myself to jump from the parent group to the worker group for just a moment and respectfully submit a list of just a few simple things that I think parents taking their kids on the bus should know.  (these are all based on things I have seen other kids do on my bus)

#1 – The bus is not a picnic, a lunch table or a restaurant.  
A few snacks in your bag to keep your kid occupied are a great idea.  Cheerios, pretzels, goldfish crackers…these are normal, easy snacks for the bus and highly recommended.  Yogurt is not.  Feeding your kid yogurt off a spoon on a moving bus is just not a good idea.  Those gross yogurt in a tube things are probably not a great idea either.  Someone’s gonna end up wearing 1/2 of it....and the other 1/2 will end up on the seat, which brings me to....

#2 – Other people will be using the seat after you leave.  
If your kid leaves a dozen cheerios on the seat, brush them off before you leave.  It’s not cool that the next person to sit there will have cheerio crumbs all over their butt all day because you let your kid make a mess and left it there.

 Also, muddy or wet shoes all over the seat.... also not cool.  Of course, please put your baby or toddler into the seat – we don’t want to see them go flying when the bus stops short – but, don’t let her stand on the seat or put her feet all over the place – again, just not cool.

#3 – Fold up the stroller – 
I would LOVE it if I could have brought the stroller onto the bus without folding it up.  It would be so much easier to just leave a sleeping baby alone and carry the whole thing on like people do on the subway, but it’s just not allowed.  If you manage to get on through one of the back doors without the driver noticing, you’re going to block the entire doorway and no one can get on or off at the other stops. Or, at some point the driver is going to notice your open stroller, then he/she will loudly announce: “you have to fold the stroller. we are not moving until you fold up the stroller.  we will all sit here and wait until you fold the stroller...” at which point everyone around you will get mad and start yelling, and then we’ll all have to wait while you try to fold up your stroller in a tiny space, then your baby will start crying, then people will yell some more. It’s not fun.  Just do yourself a favor and fold it up before hand. (or better yet, ditch that stroller all together and look into BABY WEARING! –... see Chapter 10) ;)

#4– There is probably a volume button on your kid’s video game.  
Use it.  

#5 – Watch your kid.  
Look, I didn’t sign up for this playdate, but our kids are stuck sitting near eachother on the bus and now they’re playing together.  I think that’s wonderful and I hope they’re having fun, …however – if toys are played with and it’s time to get off the bus and return them to their rightful owner, you might actually have to get involved.  I’m not the only parent aboard this vessel, so please don’t make me be the one to discipline your kid while you sit back and pretend you don’t notice your little darling trying to pocket my daughter’s toys. 

#6 – Please don’t “reason” with your kid while the rest of us listen to him scream or watch him misbehave.  
I would not dream of telling someone how to raise their children.  Lord knows I have no idea what I’m doing, and I don’t claim to know what’s best.  So, far be it from me to question your whacky tactics.  If your kid misbehaves at home and instead of punishing them you ask them to calmly describe their emotions to you, that’s fine.  

That's your headache and years of therapy down the road, but for right now, while your kid is spilling a bottle of glue all over the floor of the bus, don't calmly say, "Blaine, what are you feeling about that?", or "Dakota??  Are our emotions taking over this morning??" -- Immediately take the glue away and tell her to STOP or someone else on the bus probably will.

#7 - Don't let your kid lick the window.

Ummmm, don't let your kid lick the window.



#8 – Carry tissues.  

I don’t know why it seems like kids noses run ten times as much on the bus.  I feel like every time I see a kid on the bus his nose is running.  What’s up with that? 
Anyway, carry tissues in your pocket and help your poor kid out.  
Also, carrying wipes is not a bad idea (NOT feminine cleansing cloths, as discussed in chapter 1!!!) -- 

#9 – Don’t worry about the rest of us.  
Honestly, if your baby is crying, don’t worry about it.  Many of the people on this bus are miserable a-holes that would knock an old lady over sooner than they’d give her a seat.  So, if you get a bus-full of dirty looks because your baby is crying (and sadly, you probably will), so be it.  Don’t let it bother you.  Just worry about your precious bundle and the rest of us can all F off. 

Thank you for riding New York City Transit!