Chapter 28 - Your hair will look so good, it's a crime!

There was a brief time in my life when I was a regular at a salon.  In my mid to late 20's I went to a wonderful stylist and friend (as did several of my friends, and my sister - we all loved going to Jimmy) and I was very good about keeping up with regular appointments.  Those days are long gone and you can tell by looking at me.

I could blame it on laziness, I could blame it on the fact that I have two small children and keeping up my appearance has moved way down on the list of priorities.  On the days I work from home, I have to remind myself to throw on a hat or pull my hair up into a ponytail before I run out the door. It could be that I don't want to shop around for another salon that I like and that's convenient to get to, and it could also be that paying for Lily's next couple months on the "Fun Bus" at school is a better use of $100 than getting highlights in my hair.  But, really these are all just excuses for the fact that I'm too lazy to make an appointment and too busy to keep it, and therefore my long (and getting longer) hair suffers. Oh well.  So, I'm low maintenance about my long hair....but I decided that I would try to keep up with it and make an improvement.  Since I had a few different highlights going on and my hair was various shades of light to dark blonde, I decided to get some home hair color and try to get it all back to the same shade.

I'd colored my hair at home before, and wasn't nervous or worried about it, but I did want to try to find a brand that wouldn't kill my hair with chemicals, I settled on one that I had never used before called Olia by Garnier (I think it's new) --

Anyway, as I said, I've colored my hair before and the box always comes with a pair of what they call "colorists gloves".  Easy as that! -- Just open the box and now you are officially a "colorist".  Nice.  Well, every one that I've ever used had either an opaque pair, or usually a clear pair.  But wait...what's this?  I open up the box of Olia and here's what I find:

Black gloves! -- YES!  I had to take a picture.  

 These gloves were awesome!!  Suddenly I felt like I was committing a crime.  (and if you saw how my hair turned out, well...that's not so far off) -

Anyway, don't believe me, just try it!  Try doing some simple things around your house while wearing shiny black gloves and all of a sudden, it feels sinister.  Make mashed potatoes while wearing gloves, you'll feel like you're about to poison someone.  Take the milk out of the fridge, you'll feel like you're stealing it.  Check your email...you'll feel like a cyber stalker! - Sort the mail, you're a spy!  Pet your cat, fill the sugar bowl, arrange some flowers... (for some reason those last three feel especially fiendish)

So, I can't say that I've learned my lesson about coloring my hair at home, but I can say that it was totally worth it for the gloves.

Chapter 27 - A reason to write....

– Though I promised myself I would write more often and keep up with this blasted blog, I have let a gaping hole of time go by without writing or posting.  It’s not that I don’t want to write, and I most certainly enjoy it, rather I have realized that the issue is the subject matter and the haphazard way that I went from a specific topic to a jumble of ideas in the life of this blog.  The whole reason I started it in the first place was because of my travels on the bus.  While commuting through New York City with my children on the M15 bus every day, I had one ridiculous thing happen after another and would usually post about it through my facebook status.   After the 100th person said to me "you need to write a book about this" or "start a blog", I decided I would give it a try.  Since I have two kids and a full time job, "spare time" isn't in my arsenal....so I opted for the blog over the book.  (I would love to write a book in my spare time.  Look for it on shelves in 2025)

Anyway, as far as the blog went, for a while subject matter presented itself to me every day in the form of some random lunatic on public transportation (hence the name of this blog:  MadMom:Tales of Public Transportation...which no longer makes any sense)

Then in the spring of 2012…we moved.

We left NYC and I no longer take public transportation (except for my sweet sweet ride on the ferry to Manhattan, but that is WORLDS away from commuting with two babies on a city bus every day).  I’m still a “MadMom” from time to time, but my trials and tribulations and all around nonsensical stories have nothing to do with the good old M15 bus anymore.  So, for a while I wrote about our new life in the suburbs and the transition from raising kids in NYC to raising kids in a small town in South Jersey (you are my wife….goodbye city life! – and if you don’t know the Green Acres theme song, then there is nothing more I can think of to say to you…and if you don’t know Don’t Cry For Me Argentina then ….okay, I’ll stop now – sorry) – So, from there I stumbled into my daily list of 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs, which gained me a nice little regular group of readers every day and also clued me in to the fact that I actually CAN find the time to write a little bit every day if I commit to it.

 (also....this stuff was just too easy to make fun of)

And what did I do with that realization….I stopped writing.   Fail.  With the exception of our insane day at Chuck E. Cheese, I haven't kept up with this at all.  So, here we go – this is my true and sincere attempt to stay on top of the blog and give myself permission to write about anything and everything.   Writing for the sake of writing, and hopefully making someone laugh along the way.  

Though I wouldn’t call myself a “writer”, I do love to write.  I guess that sounds odd, but I feel like that title applies to people with tweed jackets and a certain amount of talent.  But, for different reasons and in different ways, I have always loved to write.  Early on my writing was solely for the purpose of emoting to a boy that didn’t like me, or one who did, or one who didn’t know I existed, or one who broke my heart.  Looking back at this writing, it’s amazing the level of emotion I was able to describe and get down on paper.  (A broken heart brings tons of adjectives to the surface).  Then I tried writing plays.  As an actor and theatre-lover, I thought this would be a wonderful idea and I truly enjoyed taking on the challenge.  The only problem was that I lacked that one thing that would have been necessary (talent for playwriting).  Also, according to my husband, who actually IS a talented playwright, I abuse pop culture references like it's my job.  Apparently everyone does NOT love a random Brady Bunch reference thrown in without warning.  Not everyone watched Three's Company religiously, not everyone memorized all of the John Hughes movies, not everyone remembers all the different kidnapping episodes on Different Strokes...who knew?

So moving on, now I just really like to write to make fun of the things around me, and quite often myself.   Riding the bus everyday presented me with limitless things and people to make fun of, but there’s still quite a bit of nonsense in my world.  (also... I still get a lot of silly catalogs)

So there it is…. an official so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu to The Tales of Public Transportation (and if you don’t know the Sound of Music then I said good day Sir!, and if you don’t know lines from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, then ….well, then you probably won’t like my blog) –

Thanks for reading!

Chapter 26 - There is a Bottle King across the street from Chuck E. Cheese...

We did it, lo hicimos, we did it.  (a nod to the Dora watchers out there...) -  We survived our first trip to Chuck E. Cheese!! -

 One of my daughters classmates,  and her "BFF", had her 4th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese over the weekend.

We went, we played, we survived.  

While the establishment does not sell any t-shirts or cups with that slogan, they really should consider it because I feel like it's a badge of honor that all parents who've been should proudly wear afterwards.  And it should come with a complimentary box of wine.  How many tickets do I need to win that box of cabernet, please???

Before I get to Chuck E.Cheese, I'll tell you about the little gift drama that we had at my house before even making it to the party.  Earlier in the week I had asked Lily what her friend liked to play with, so I had some ideas while gift shopping.  She said her friend really loves necklaces, so I decided to get her a few bead kits and a decorate-your-own jewelry box.  I thought this was a great idea until I showed it all to Lily and she said, "Okay, great! Let's open it up and make her some necklaces!".

I tried to tell her that the gift is so that the birthday girl can make the necklaces herself and Lily looked at me like I was insane, and just SO uninformed in the ways of the world.  She said...."Mommy, what??!?!  That is NOT how a present works!!! -- Why would I give her a present that means she has to do all the work??"
I reminded her that her aunt got her some arts and crafts to do, and wasn't that a nice present and this is kind of the same thing and she said "NO, ...because she did them WITH me, so I didn't have to do all the work."  So, we went back and forth on this for some time, and fortunately, I know my little nut better than myself sometimes and was prepared with a smaller bead kit...just in case.  So, Lily made her friend a necklace to go along with the gifts I had bought, even though she thought it a bit cruel that I would give her friend a job to do as a present...

Now, we finally get to Saturday afternoon and she is ridiculously excited about her first trip to Chuck E.Cheese and  to celebrate with her friend.  I've never been to a Chuck E. Cheese before.  My one big birthday party as a kid was in the back room at Bonanza (we played pin the red nose on rudolph and it was a grand old time), but I've been to places like Chuck E.Cheese and I was reasonably prepared for what to expect.  I was looking forward to a loud and sticky saturday afternoon that I knew Lily would enjoy...for the most part.  When we got there, the mother of the birthday girl gave the kids a cup of tokens each so they could play all the games, which was awesome.

Lily had a great time and loved running around trying different rides and games with her friends.  Watching her and her BFF crack up over a game of air hockey they played together was pretty much the highlight of my day.  All was well until we were called to the "stage" area with all the other birthday parties.  All of the birthday parties being held on any given day experience the events and shows at the same time, so we were surrounded by parties on both sides (a total of 5 birthday parties were going on at the same time, in the same space, with the same mouse).  Each party was assigned a staff member who told them the appropriate times to yell and cheer and bang on the table, as this was all a choreographed contest of sorts to see which group could get the loudest.  Since all 5 parties were squished together at long banquet style tables side by side, there wasn't much room for me to stay near Lily.

 I didn't want to get my nearly 6 feet of height between approximately 50 screaming children (in a screaming CONTEST, don't forget)  and the mouse on stage that they're all trying to see, so I tried to move to the back a bit with the other dazed parents who didn't really seem to know where to go either.  I could see Lily from where I was, and she seemed to be having fun with her friends.


I walked away for approximately 90 seconds, that's it, just 90 seconds.... it couldn't have taken any longer than that for me to excuse me, sorry...excuse me...pardon me..oh...sorry, excuse me, can I just squeeze by...excuse me... my way to the soda fountains for a diet coke.  In that time, the giant mechanical animals on stage started their rock concert, the giant mouse ran out (Pardon me, "Chuck E." ran out), the screaming contest reached volumes indescribable and Lily lost her sh*t.

When I left she was smiling, laughing with her friends and happily eating pizza.  When I turned back, my hands full of diet coke, a cup of tokens and the tickets Lily had proudly earned playing games, I scanned the crowd and found her:  red faced, tears streaming, greasy pizza hands firmly clamped over her ears and she's screaming for me.  Of course I can't hear her over the rousing: ...."when I say happy, you say birthday, happy....BIRTHDAY...happy ...BIRTHDAY -- LOUDER! LOUDER!!!!!"  I rushed back to her table and again proceeded to excuse me...sorry, can I just scooch past...excuse me, can I...thank you...sorry...excuse me.... until I could get to her.  "MAMAAAAAAAAA!!!" she's screaming the entire time.  So, I finally get to her and attempt to sandwich my body between her chair and the chair of the kid at the party one table over, who is of course pushed all the way out and up to the back of Lily's chair.  I try to get him to move, to no avail as he's too busy screaming "BIRTHDAY!" at the top of his lungs (as he's been instructed to do), so I squish myself in as best as I can and hold onto Lily to calm her down.  The singing and screaming reaches a fever pitch, as does Lily's crying (though no one can hear her, of course -- so, at least she didn't interrupt the show)

 And after the climax of 5 birthday parties singing and screaming in unison, the volume comes down a little bit.  Cake is served,  Lily calms down, order is restored.    She returns to the games, excitedly watches her BFF stand inside the "Ticket Blaster" (kinda like a money machine from old game shows)

and then she runs around and plays some more.  Tony and JD arrive to pick us up, and we let JD run around a bit.  Then the ticket chomper digests Lily's tickets, gives her the total and she proceeds to the counter of treasures to pick out a purple plastic peace sign necklace.  We thank the birthday girl's parents, say good bye to Lily's friends, stumble out to the parking lot and I immediately direct Tony across the street to the Bottle King, which I can only imagine does amazing business on Saturdays at 2:00, when the birthday parties let out.

We did it, lo hicimos, we did it.

That said, and a bottle of well-deserved pinot grigio later, there was a tiny (crazy) part of me that decided I can't wait to go back.  With the exception of Lily's hysterical tantrum, she had a really really good time.  She loved running around with her friends and was laughing hysterically a lot more than she was crying hysterically and I suppose there are days where that's what you shoot for!  Also, any place where we can let JD run around and get his manic bursts of energy out is a good place to be, although, even he was a little dazed after only being there only a short time.

And of course, even though she screamed and cried and has a hard time with really loud noises that scare her and hurt her ears, Lily has already told me that she knows 100% and "absolooopsly" where she wants to have her next birthday party.

So, if you ever read my post "I Lost My Mind at Party City", you'll know I tend to go a bit overboard with party favors.  And this shall be no exception.  I've already started working on party favors for the parents at Lily's next party....

Whatcha think??

Chapter 25 - Happy Sue Year

With 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs, I got away from my chapters of rambling.  -- but, now I'm back to it with Chapter 25.....Happy Sue Year

So, 17 days in and I’m ready to start rambling about New Year’s.... I know it's a new year because ever since the clock struck 2013, I cannot get a parking spot at my kids’ daycare.  Reason being that the daycare shares a parking lot with a gym.  I’m sure in the next few weeks this will taper off and the parking lot won’t be so crowded.  And while these gym-joining folks are sweating away at their new resolution, I've got one of my own, a mantle of a new philosophy which just draped itself over my shoulders this past weekend, and will hopefully reside there longer than my fellow parking companions  reside at the gym.

Last weekend I took my kids to visit my sister’s home.  She and her fiancé (yay!) recently moved to a beautiful place, in the middle of no where, PA 

CHICKENS!

.... and we all had a lovely visit. 

Anyway, while driving back home late Sunday afternoon I was almost in a car accident on 287 South about a mile before the Parkway South exit.  Some moron missed his exit and decided to slam on his brakes two lanes over from the exit lane and come to a dead stop.  Cars swerved around him on both sides, and just as I was about to do the same (swerve around him on the right), he decided he would make a hard right turn and just drive over to the exit ramp he had just passed.   I was already braking as I was trying to go around him, but I had been doing about 65 and there was no way I would be able to come to a complete stop in time.  Both my kids were asleep in their carseats in the back.  If someone had told me prior to that moment that this was going to happen, I would assume panic on my part, but surprisingly I had a very odd moment of calm…This thought went through my mind:  I am going to hit this car, and its going to be bad, but the kids and I are going to be okay.  Well I feel very fortunate to say that the moron turned just enough and I swerved just enough and I missed him by what I’m guessing were just inches, I don’t even know.  As I replay it in my head, I’m still not quite sure how it is that I didn't hit him, as his car was pretty much perpendicular to mine in my lane.  In the moments afterwards, I felt kind of sick and jumpy, I guess it was from a mixture of adrenaline, fear and anger at what had just happened and how my babies were in danger because of some careless idiot.  I was shaken up for a while, and then the calm came back and I just felt overwhelming gratitude.  I had a feeling of so much thankfulness that we were all okay, I don’t even think I can describe it.  All of us experience near misses of things like this all the time, so I’m not sure why this particular moment brought it out, but I haven’t been able to shake it.  I'm now left feeling super grateful about everything.  I feel grateful when I wake up in the morning and when I put my kids to bed at night and everything in between.   I can’t really explain it and as simple as it may be, it feels really good and I want to keep it wrapped around me as long as I can. 

When JD's crying wakes me up in the middle of the night, I don’t feel frustrated that I’m not getting a good night’s sleep, I remember to feel blessed that my baby is healthy and can breathe and cry and make wonderful sounds.  When Lily has a temper tantrum and hits volumes and squeals that only a 4 year old girl can, I don’t lose my patience and wonder why I have to deal with this all alone, I thank God that my daughter is so stubborn and smart that she can actually make an intelligent argument for whatever crazy thing it is she’s getting upset about.  When I want to cry because I’m so tired while Tony is away again on business and I’m taking care of everything all by myself, instead I feel gratitude that we both have good jobs, that we’re able to support our family, that I’m not a single parent ALL of the time and most of all that I have a home and children that need taking care of, that I’m tired for the most delightful of reasons.

So okay, this may sound annoying sappy and I promise to get back to making fun of myself and the outside world in my next post....I’m sure this shiny happy feeling will wear off a little and there will be many times where I lose my mind at the drop of a hat  (hell, it’s only Thursday – and this near accident happened just a few days ago)  I will become frustrated and angry and get upset about stupid things, but isn't it worth a try to follow up those moments with a reminder of thankfulness, of gratitude, of holy-shite folks, we're really really lucky people, you know? Please be thankful for what you have, be grateful for the moments that you’re in, be happy about the amazing things and people that are around you.

2012 was a year of blessings and tragedy, a year of growth and regression, a year of moving forward and a year of getting pushed around, but we all need to remember that we have so very much to be thankful for and that life is really too short to get wrapped up in the petty arguments and the stupid complaints.  Get over it and be grateful for this moment, for right now.  Sometimes this ride is thrilling and sometimes it makes you sick, but man are you lucky that you’re on it.  Just what the hell is it that everyone is so angry about?  Go thank someone for something.  Call your Mom, kiss your wife, tickle a baby, go buy an eclair.  Get over yourself.  If you believe in God, thank her for this day! - If you don't, thank your lucky stars or whatever higher power brings you blessings.  Go to sleep tonight happier than when you woke up regardless of what happens to you today because deep down in your heart, you know that no matter what your day was like, someone had it worse and you have A LOT to be thankful for.

You are blessed!

-- Happy New Year!

Day 25 - 25 (non-consecutive) Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 25 -

So, I set out with the intention of "25 Days of Ridiculous Things...", got all the way to the end and missed Day 25.. oh well, it was ever so much more fun spending time with my family yesterday then breaking away for 10 minutes to write out my daily nonsense -- so....instead Day 25 comes today on December 26.

And while I'm at it, I submit the following:

I figure if I'm breaking my own rules anyway...
This sign is not ridiculous, its actually kinda cute and it's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment.  I just tucked my kids into bed, gave them each an extra kiss goodnight and allowed myself the luxury of feeling the stillness in that moment, how calming, how special.  How every Christmas wish I could ever make is true and fulfilled and wrapped up in that perfect, simple moment that I know to never ever take for granted.  How I'm feeling so truly blessed at the closing of the overwhelming year that 2012 turned out to be.

I hope everyone had a beautiful holiday, surrounded by warmth and love and laughter.  I did and I was and I am so grateful.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Day 24 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

24 - This is not cute

And behind this ridiculous thing, I think that's probably a very beautiful baby.  But she's not pleased with this look.  You can see it in her eyes.

The other varieties offered, Gimme a Kiss, Chomp and Mustachifier,  look equally hideous. (Although, I have to say that I love the name "mustachifier").  What I'm wondering is why the pacifier pictured on this child is called "Broadway Baby".  I've seen countless broadway shows and I know some broadway actors, and I can't recall one giant lipped, huge buck-toothed starlet in the bunch.  Does anyone understand this one?

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this, as it's Christmas Eve and I've much to do.  Happy Christmas Eve!

Day 23 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

23 -- The Models

Getting close to the end here, and I've neglected to point out some of the amazing models in these silly seasonal catalogs.  There are so many to choose from, so I'll just stick to a few of my favorites.

This guy...whose obnoxious smirk was so superb, not only did they recycle the model...

....they recycled the smirk!  Different hat, different hair even -- but, there's that same sly smile and raised eyebrow.   I can't even concentrate on the fez and bow tie (who is buying these things?) -- because I'm so sucked in by the smirk/eyebrow combo...twice!

And then of course there was this beauty from my Day 1 post, the mom who laughs right in the face of her miserable child.

Actually, let's stick with Pajamagram, it has a lot of fun models to offer.
Show me sleepy (she's probably fresh from The Actors Studio)

Peace, Amy:

 And now wait....is it Halloween, or Christmas?
At the risk of sounding practical, aren't these pajamas too hot to actually sleep in?

 Okay, sure....the Josie and the Pussycats outfit is fine, but she's not really selling it.  Let's see...how about a ridiculous outfit that is not sexy in the least, but the model is really going to sell the idea that it is.  Ah yes, here we are:

That's right Mary the Sultry Easter Bunny, your face says sexy, but we all know that with feetie pajamas AND a hood, you are a sweaty mess under that rabbit get-up.

And how I love the group family shots -
Dad is letting Baby Matt stand on a table while they make cookies (not safe)

 While mom is just stirring away completely in her own world, probably spilling batter all over her $60 pajamas, while also sitting on the table (guess that's where Matt picked up his table-top antics...)

 YOU alright??  I learned it by watching you!

 And in the meantime, Greg is on the floor consoling the dog, not just because he was forced to wear hot human pajamas, but also because....

Dad is letting Cindy eat the dog biscuits!!

Most of all I love this kid, who I think was just caught off set contemplating his career -- what the F am I doing here??  Last month I had a spot on Nickelodeon, and now I'm here in long underwear and a ho ho hat?  C'mon!!  My name's not even Matt!  The hell???

It's cool "Matt", at least you're not in this terribly freakish get up.  (I think it's probably not safe for a kid to sleep in this thing, by the way)

Right, Jason?  Am I right???

Yeah, these are all ridiculous, in the most delightful way....