Day 8 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 8  - No Peein' Off The Porch!

I kinda feel like the same person who would actually pee off your porch in the first place is not the same person who would ever be deterred from doing so because you have this sign.  Right?


Hmmmmm, well, here's the thing...I was about to pee off the porch, I was this close....but then I saw this sign.  A fake wooden sign with a fat, naked little cherub -- so cute they even left the g off the word "peeing"...yeah, that cute.  And you know what?  I just couldn't do it.

Yes indeed.  "Keep 'em in line with this hilarious metal plaque".  (This magazine is dropping letters out of words for no good reason that I can see)

Also, why is this classy item in a holiday catalog?
  On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a sign that says please do not pee....

Day 7 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs

So, this one speaks for itself...it's ridiculous:

I could just end it right there, but just want to add one thought. The person that wants a gun toilet bowl cleaner in their house is probably not the same person that will ever end up ever actually cleaning the toilet. 

Oh and also, this is a really really terrible Christmas present.

Day 6 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 6  -- Stupid birthday shirts

So...today is my birthday, and for that reason I picked stupid birthday shirts as the ridiculous du jour.

Ummm, okay "Like many Women my age...I am 29".  Finally a shirt that can sum up the need to say:
"Hey there,  I'm not really 29. I'm lying about it, but in a cute and clever way.  Like all those other sassy ladies out there who lie and say they're 29...right girls?  Right? wink wink".

Aside from the fact that this shirt is just dumb, and I don't have a lot of patience for novelty shirts that are trying to be funny but really aren't, for some reason all I could think of when I first looked at it was:  why is "Women" capitalized and why is "am" written in script.  Far from making me laugh, all it really made me do was question the font choices - probably not their intended goal.

But what's even more ridiculous than the actual shirt is the write-up in the catalog:

"It's no secret that for women, the aging process slows, 

then mysteriously ceases altogether around 29.  (For men, it's 39)"  

What!?  For men it's 39?? Really? Who decided that?  They just throw that little tidbit at you in italics like they're sharing a juicy fact for those that aren't in the know.  Obviously the idea itself is supposed to be funny, but the statement that this joke applies to women at the age of 29, but is extended an extra decade for men???  The hell?? 

So then I suppose according to their rules, this shirt is only for men?

Ahhhh - HA!!! Gotcha Clever-Catalog-Description-Writer!  So then tell me....why does this heather grey gem come in "LADIES SHORT-SLEEVED TEE", hmmmm? 

 (the prosecution rests)

Here's another one that I don't like:

I don't like it because I feel like it's yelling at me.  Shirt, your font is way too aggressive, making me feel like you might really actually want to kill me.  I kinda feel like the implied (albeit weak attempt at) humor is lost.  No need to yell next time.  

The only reason this next shirt is funny is because I can totally picture the guy wearing it.

He's kind of a sloppy fat guy, smoking outside the convenience store and offering to buy beer and cigarettes for underage kids for a small fee.  It's lucky for him that young people are stupid, but since they're his bread-and-butter, he probably shouldn't make fun of them on his hilarious apparel, which this magazine apparently dries on a clothesline.

And then there are the laugh-riot buffet of shirts likening aging people to aging wines.  Here's one:

and it would go very nicely with a clever cup for birthday drinks:

But I digress...I'm getting too close to another topic: annoying puns and funny sayings about alcohol, which is another post for another day....  

More Ridiculousness to come on that front....stay tuned :)  

Cheers!

Day 5 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 5 – Merry Christmas…here’s some cash -- psych!

Of course these silly catalogs don’t make any money if you’re giving cash this year.  Hmmmm….how can they work that angle?  I know! – Stupid puzzles that trap the cash inside until you solve them! – Awesome!  You feel better about giving an impersonal gift and they still make money off you -- perfect!

Ridiculous.

Here honey, I couldn’t be bothered to come up with anything personal this year, so here’s some cash.  But wait….not only am I giving you cash as your gift, but you have to solve this frustrating puzzle before you can have it.  Isn’t that cute?  Isn’t it clever?

The only thing cool about this gift is that it's apparently made out of something called "monkeypod wood".  Sounds filthy.

But still, monkeypod wood notwithstanding, I still think that the gift-receiver would probably rather just HAVE the $10.99 (Special Value Price!) you spent on the dumb puzzle in addition to the $20 gift…along with the wasted 20 minutes of their life back. 

I don't mean to sound grinch-ish.  I actually really like receiving giftcards and cash, and I also like to do puzzles on occasion, but honestly I simply see these overpriced products as a stupid way for the company to still make money somehow…even when you’re giving someone CASH as a gift.

It's a good thing that they include in the description the fact that the cash is NOT included in the purchase.  I thought sure that $14.99 could get me a stupid toy AND a $20 bill.

Here’s another big F-you.  Hey…I got you a giftcard…

  

but wait! - You gotta play this stupid little game before you can have it!  AHH - HA HA HA HA HA!

Why?  Because as they description says...

 I'm just SO TIRED of gift card envelopes.  I mean…aren’t you?  Aren’t you tired of gift card envelopes! – what a nuisance??!?!  how exhausting! - if only there was something less TIRING...like a plastic dollarstore puzzle for nine bucks!

It's not even a particularly good puzzle – it’s the annoying game with the little metal ball that you have to get through the maze.  And since it’s holding your giftcard hostage, it’s even more annoying – and yes, even more ridiculous. 

Day 4 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs - Faux Clothes

"Faux" clothes....I don't get it.

 Here is a pair of pants made to look like a pair of jeans, but it’s actually not a pair of jeans, it’s a pair of cotton pants.

Confused?  Me too.  I don’t understand the point.  Are jeans SO uncomfortable that you need a pair of cotton pants made to look like jeans?  Like worn out jeans with a fake hole?  And the description mentions how realistic they look. Here’s an idea…why not just wear a pair of jeans – they look like real jeans too!  Also, do cotton pants really look good on anyone?

And here are some faux work pants.

 I guess so you can look like you’re carrying tools, but (wait for it…) you’re not really carrying tools!!! – Yes, I get it.  They’re meant to be a joke (“…for not-so-handy men” as the description says).  Hilarious.  So, if you know a big lazy slob and you want to get him a gag gift to make fun of the fact that he doesn't do any work around the house, buy him a pair of comfy cotton pants -- that's sure to get him going!  You might just embarrass him right up a ladder!

And here’s the faux suit shirt.  A classic.  So, normally I wouldn't actually have a problem with this one. I would give it the respect it deserves, except it earns it's place on the ridiculous list because it's a polyester t-shirt that costs $40. 

Ahhh, but I've saved the best for last....

... the faux shirt of a very thin and tattooed body.  These are awesome.

 The best thing about these shirts is that they are offered in size XXL. So, I suppose if you got that you would have about a foot of white background on either side of this slim little inked up body.  I’m not sure why anyone would want that? Hey, look how much my actual body sticks out on either side of this flawless body I'm sporting on my t-shirt.  My real body is like a nice big white backdrop for this smaller and sexier body...That's hot, right??
.

Ridiculous.

Day 3 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 3 – Shirts That Make a Scary Face When You Stand In An Uncomfortable Position

Keepin’ this one short, folks – just one silly little item.  This ridiculous shirt.

 I guess the fun here lies in the fact that if you exaggeratedly cross your arms like a rapper from the 80’s, then the pictures on the arms will form the mouth of whatever creature is on the front of your shirt.  I’m glad I can post a picture here, because as it turns out, this dumb shirt  is kinda hard to describe.

What is the point here?  And, can we please see a picture of what the shirt looks like if you don’t stand like that all day?   I’m sure it’s fun for a little kid for the first few minutes, to show off the way his arms look like a big scary mouth when he stands like so…  But after those exciting few moments are over, then what? …what a let down. Then its just a crazy shirt that probably makes it look like the shark (raptor, what-have-you) has an incomplete face and random rows of teeth growing out of  the side of his head.  Well now, that's just silly.

Wait, just to interrupt myself for a minute -- this kid needs a hair-cut.  What is this, a bi-level?  

And doesn't he know that if he stands like that it will make it even easier for the school bus bully to steal his lunch money?

Okay where was I?  Oh yes....so, the description says that it allows you to “chomp chomp chomp by moving your arms”, 

that motion would probably the only thing this kid could do to make himself look more idiotic.  If he were 8, I’d let it slide-  it might even be a little funny, but Screech here looks old enough to drive, and I think that makes him old enough to not wear this shirt.

But wait…to be fair, I have to say, I don’t really like shark shirts or dinosaur shirts anyway.  So, this becomes a matter of opinion.  I suppose I wouldn’t be a fan of this one either way, with or without the stupid arm design.  But, if the stance required to get the full effect of this shirt isn't enough to qualify it as ridiculous, the description, which refers to it as "ingenious printing" certainly is.  Ingenious, really??  Ridiculous.

Day 2 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Bacon.  Bacon as anything other than something you eat.  Did you know that bacon had become so popular, and I don’t mean just as food, I mean…as décor?  Am I the only one that didn't know this?

 I like bacon just as much as the next person, really I do. It’s delicious and makes most things you put it in taste even better.   It makes eggs better, it makes burgers better, it makes some salads better…and it makes  a peanut butter and banana sandwich better, if you’re pregnant…or Elvis.  So, I’m in no way ANTI-bacon, believe me.  But bacon as décor?  As jewelry?  As a blanket??  I just don’t get it – I think it’s ridiculous, and therefore, perfect for my list.

First off…the bacon blanket.  To me this just looks gross. (though apparently, it's a customer favorite!)

  I don’t think anyone likes bacon because it looks pretty.  The taste, sure it’s excellent.  The smell, oh yes…quite nice.  But, the looks?  No, bacon just doesn’t look pretty, and this particular throw looks like a package of raw ground beef.  Also, it just gives the feeling of greasy.  Who wants to snuggle up on the couch on a cold night under something that makes them feel raw and greasy  (probably don't answer that...)

But I digress.  

And next…bacon bandaids.  Wait...What?  That is disgusting. 

  You want to place a hot greasy strip of pork on an open wound?  Of course the band aid isn’t actually made out of bacon – but, just the idea that you're even simulating that concept is just plain ridiculous....but, I must admit that I'm dying to know what the free prize inside could be.  

And, here’s a bunch more that are for random things, but I noticed something they have in common ....

 Bacon koozie, bacon tie, bacon jacket, (and there are several other items available just like these) ....why is the bacon raw?  I'm not saying I'd ever wear a bacon tie under any circumstances, nor hold my beer in anything that looks like it has cold raw meat wrapped around it.  But, if I did...I think I'd prefer something that at least looks cooked.  I know that's not the point, and the real concern here is...who would actually wear this jacket??? -- but, I'm just confused by the desire to have the meat look raw on these fashionable items.   Why not a crispy bacon koozie?  Although that said, the throw blanket looks raw too, and that's a "customer favorite", so what do I know??

And here it is, in my opinion, the grossest thing in the bacon category…bacon flavored floss and toothpaste.  When you really want your breath to impress, brush with BACON! –

  Really?? That's disgusting and ridiculous. (and now disgusting in cupcake flavor too!)  

And now with this last one, I have a question.  Here is a bacon Christmas tree ornament:

Fine, okay...bacon on your Christmas tree.  After the other disgusting things I spotted, bacon on the tree didn't even phase me.  But what caught my eye is this... if you read the description, it suggests that this ornament is a "great gift for fellow members of the Brotherhood of Bacon".  What?  I got a little scared.  Is this just a cheesy catalog description, or is there such a thing??  Google it, you'll see.....