Day 25 - 25 (non-consecutive) Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 25 -

So, I set out with the intention of "25 Days of Ridiculous Things...", got all the way to the end and missed Day 25.. oh well, it was ever so much more fun spending time with my family yesterday then breaking away for 10 minutes to write out my daily nonsense -- so....instead Day 25 comes today on December 26.

And while I'm at it, I submit the following:

I figure if I'm breaking my own rules anyway...
This sign is not ridiculous, its actually kinda cute and it's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment.  I just tucked my kids into bed, gave them each an extra kiss goodnight and allowed myself the luxury of feeling the stillness in that moment, how calming, how special.  How every Christmas wish I could ever make is true and fulfilled and wrapped up in that perfect, simple moment that I know to never ever take for granted.  How I'm feeling so truly blessed at the closing of the overwhelming year that 2012 turned out to be.

I hope everyone had a beautiful holiday, surrounded by warmth and love and laughter.  I did and I was and I am so grateful.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Day 24 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

24 - This is not cute

And behind this ridiculous thing, I think that's probably a very beautiful baby.  But she's not pleased with this look.  You can see it in her eyes.

The other varieties offered, Gimme a Kiss, Chomp and Mustachifier,  look equally hideous. (Although, I have to say that I love the name "mustachifier").  What I'm wondering is why the pacifier pictured on this child is called "Broadway Baby".  I've seen countless broadway shows and I know some broadway actors, and I can't recall one giant lipped, huge buck-toothed starlet in the bunch.  Does anyone understand this one?

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this, as it's Christmas Eve and I've much to do.  Happy Christmas Eve!

Day 23 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

23 -- The Models

Getting close to the end here, and I've neglected to point out some of the amazing models in these silly seasonal catalogs.  There are so many to choose from, so I'll just stick to a few of my favorites.

This guy...whose obnoxious smirk was so superb, not only did they recycle the model...

....they recycled the smirk!  Different hat, different hair even -- but, there's that same sly smile and raised eyebrow.   I can't even concentrate on the fez and bow tie (who is buying these things?) -- because I'm so sucked in by the smirk/eyebrow combo...twice!

And then of course there was this beauty from my Day 1 post, the mom who laughs right in the face of her miserable child.

Actually, let's stick with Pajamagram, it has a lot of fun models to offer.
Show me sleepy (she's probably fresh from The Actors Studio)

Peace, Amy:

 And now wait....is it Halloween, or Christmas?
At the risk of sounding practical, aren't these pajamas too hot to actually sleep in?

 Okay, sure....the Josie and the Pussycats outfit is fine, but she's not really selling it.  Let's see...how about a ridiculous outfit that is not sexy in the least, but the model is really going to sell the idea that it is.  Ah yes, here we are:

That's right Mary the Sultry Easter Bunny, your face says sexy, but we all know that with feetie pajamas AND a hood, you are a sweaty mess under that rabbit get-up.

And how I love the group family shots -
Dad is letting Baby Matt stand on a table while they make cookies (not safe)

 While mom is just stirring away completely in her own world, probably spilling batter all over her $60 pajamas, while also sitting on the table (guess that's where Matt picked up his table-top antics...)

 YOU alright??  I learned it by watching you!

 And in the meantime, Greg is on the floor consoling the dog, not just because he was forced to wear hot human pajamas, but also because....

Dad is letting Cindy eat the dog biscuits!!

Most of all I love this kid, who I think was just caught off set contemplating his career -- what the F am I doing here??  Last month I had a spot on Nickelodeon, and now I'm here in long underwear and a ho ho hat?  C'mon!!  My name's not even Matt!  The hell???

It's cool "Matt", at least you're not in this terribly freakish get up.  (I think it's probably not safe for a kid to sleep in this thing, by the way)

Right, Jason?  Am I right???

Yeah, these are all ridiculous, in the most delightful way....

Day 22 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs

22 - "Flair Hair"

I thought the beard hats were dumb, but at least they served the practical purpose of keeping your head warm (and your chin, if you please) -- but, this thing is super ridiculous:

Okay, so here are your options.  You can either look like the grumpy bald guy:

Or a happy cabbage patch kid in a visor:

Because that is precisely what this hair looks like....you're not really fooling anyone with these things.  It looks like chopped frayed yarn, though I do give them points for all of the colors and varieties of chopped frayed yarn:

I mean, check out your options:

Whoa whoa whoa....wait just a second....what's this??  No Gray Hair/Camo combo?  What the hell, makers of "Flair Hair"?? -- Sorry about you if you're looking to be a gray haired gentleman with a camo visor....you, my friend, are decidedly out of luck.

But listen, don't worry.  This ad promises to "protect your eyes from the sun, all while giving you a distinctive look".  You will distinctively look moronic, but I suppose if you'd prefer the appearance of road kill on your head rather than baldness, your $19.99 will be very well spent.

Day 21 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 21 -- The Wine Rack

This is a sports bra that you can fill with wine, then drink it from a straw.  "The Advantages Are Obvious" because not only can you conceal your wine while you reveal increased cleavage, you can also drink on the go.  Your brassiere is now an intoxicating juice box.  Brilliant!

Just look how sad this young lady is in the "before" picture...

Her spirits are as low as her SAT scores, but look....all that wine sloshing around her bra in the "after" picture gives her cleavage and a smile.   Hopefully her date will drink as much as she does, so as not to notice that the cleavage is gone with the wine.

Day 20 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs

Day 20 -

The beer pager -

So, you put your beer in this classy little holder and then when you set it down and forget where you left it, you can press the button on the plastic remote thing and the holder will make noises and flash a bunch of lights, alerting you to where your beer is (up to 60 feet).  Sounds painfully annoying.

The description tells us that when you click the device, the beer pager "unleashes a satisfying burp and flashing lights".  And just in case you need to see that annoyance in action before parting with your hard earned $20, you can actually watch a video online of how it all works. Thrilling.  Although, depending on how cheap your beer of choice is...think how much more of it you could buy with the $19.99 you didn't spend on this stupid device....just saying -

Anyway, I think that if you drank so much that you need a pager to find your beer, you are probably better off not finding it.  Also, isn't one more likely, especially after a few drinks, to lose the little plastic remote before they lose a can or bottle of beer?  And what if you are not the only idiot at the party using this particular contraption?  Will there not be blinking, burping pagers going off all over the place?  That's a holiday party best avoided.  This item is ridiculous.

Day 19 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

19 - These Elves

These elves are cute enough.  They look a bit like something I saw in the Dollar Tree last week. Yes, I'm sure they would make a "delightfully playful addition" to your gathering and any festive decorations you might want to ...oh holy night...what does that say????

Does that really say $159???  Sweetie and Treatie cost one hundred and fifty-nine dollars?!? Are these sweet little pixies with stripper names sitting on boxes of money??

Ri-elfin-diculous.

Day 18 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 18 - Toilet Bowl Mug

This is f'ing disgusting.

Fill it with coffee, cocoa, tea or even use it to house a brownie sundae.

First of all "house a brownie sundae"?   Really?  Second, I think it's nice that the dumbass writer is telling you what it's okay to fill the mug with.  I appreciate that I just paid $14.99 for a toilet mug AND I'm allowed to put whatever I want inside it.  It's also quite thoughtful that they recommend an item to put inside the mug that would resemble sh*t in a toilet. The mug isn't disgusting enough on its own, they should probably give you a few ideas to keep that wretched hilarity going.
Also, the thing is huge.  It's a two-pound mug.  So you know what...why not just go ahead and actually use it as a toilet.  This laugh riot of a description is telling you that "the possibilities are just about endless", so go for it.   It would make about as much sense as actually buying the stupid thing.

Day 17 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Day 17 - Release Bowl

So this is a bowl that looks like I made it myself at a ceramics place in the mall.  Its cute and all, but they're not really selling the artistry of the bowl.  They're selling the idea of what you're supposed to do with the bowl, which is "Put your thoughts down on paper, say a prayer, and then burn the paper", which is a fine idea if you think it will help you in some way, bring you some peace or "create a new pathway for your journey through life", as they suggest.  But, here's the thing -- you can do that for free and throw the burnt paper in your kitchen sink, or in any old bowl in your cabinet. You don't have to pay $27 (+ shipping)  for a Release Bowl, which someone in your house is going to just end up putting chex mix in, messing up your whole energetic vibe.  

Day 16 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs

Day 16 - Green Thumb Statue

This is a statue in the shape of a giant green thumb. It comes in three sizes, the largest of which costs over $100.  It is also a costumer favorite.

Now, I don't currently have a garden, but I hope to someday and I'm quite sure that I will not want a big ugly thumb sticking out of it.  I can't imagine anyone wanting this hideous thing on their lawn, in their garden or anywhere on their property for that matter.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering, they won't put it in a gift box.  Ridiculous!

Day 15 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs

I'm not sure why my holiday catalog is selling this item:

Boy Scouts of America: Official Handbook 1911 For Boys

But, at least now I understand their stance on homosexuality.  It's because this official handbook is over 100 years old.... it claims to be "just as helpful, informational and inspriring one hundred years later"

Ridiculous, but in a completely different, upsetting and ignorant way --

Day 14 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs

This thing:

This pointy headed creeper, the catalog describes as Adorable and Lovable As Ever

I must respectfully disagree.

$55 of creepy no less....ridiculous.

Day 13 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See In Holiday Catalogs -

Zombies.

Seriously, what's with the f'ing zombies?  Are zombies the new bacon? -- what's going on here??

Okay, yes, there are a lot of good zombie movies and shows out there.  They are fun to watch, and some of them are really well done.  But, this onslaught of zombie-themed paraphernalia as a result of said movies and shows REALLY needs to return back to the grave from whence it came.

However, my annoyance with the flood of zombie apparel and knickknacks notwithstanding, they have made this list here on day 13 because they are a ridiculous item to have in a holiday catalog (and they are in abundance this year) - Halloween catalog?  Sure, of course, that makes perfect sense.....but, not here...no, not a zombie in a Santa hat....come on, why????

And the other thing... my ridiculous catalogs are just phoning it in.  They're taking their tired old items and just zombie'ing them up -

Case in point:
The ever popular keep calm and carry on shirt...zombie style:  (covering TWO annoying trends in one!!)

A dumb shirt with a "clever" slogan where you call someone else stupid...zombie style:

The adoooorable little people that represent the members of your family all over the back of your car magnets...zombie style

Oh, and one of my favorites -- the FAUX SHIRT...zombie style

What's worse than the faux shirt?  Faux feet....zombie style

Wretched, I hate them.


But, what's even weirder than their recycled ideas done zombie style are the completely random things thought up just to feature zombies, like this:

 Headless Zombie Yoga Warrior

What?  Headless Zombie Yoga Warrior??  What the hell? -- Why?  who thought of this thing?



Or this nonsense:

Zombie Marilyn. Why?  Just tell me why.  I mean...aren't we just reaching now???  

Ridiculous, and definitely NOT a good stocking stuffer.

Day 12 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

This is just stupid...

and here it is again....

Here's the thing...I don't think either of these women are all that happy with their pig mugs.  I mean, it's hard to tell of course because you can't see the entire face behind the snout...but look...look at her eyes.  Do you see any joy there?  I see pain.  I see a cry for help.  Is this what you think of me?  Is this really what you bought me this year???

This girl on the other hand....she seems okay with it:

"Eh...it is what it is.  Not exactly what I wanted this year, but whatever..it gets the coffee to my mouth, know what I'm sayin'?"

Sure, she looks ridiculous, but it doesn't seem to bother her much.  But listen....should your honey buy you a pig snout mug this year, I say return the favor. Just get him a special mug of his very own:

Day 11 - 25 Days of Ridiculous Things I See in Holiday Catalogs

Beard and Hair Hats

So, is this something you wear to be funny, or is it to keep your chin warm?
 (or something to wear when you chase Popeye around for talking to your lady friend?)

While this hat is indeed ridiculous, the guy looks so happy with it, that I kinda like it.  I also like that the description is inviting you to Bring out your inner longshoreman! What a great idea that is.  This guy could have been a contender.

Then there's this dude....

Cap has attached mustache and beard.  

Yes, indeed it does -- No clever tagline here....that's really all they can come up with to say about this stupid $25 mess.



And this guy.  I know it's not nice to say, but I hate this guy:

Do you think they hired this model?  Or is this just some jerk who actually owns this hat, was probably just in the right place at the right time and had that creepy smirk down pat?  -- Here's your big break, hulk.  You got this.

Nothing about this photo would ever make me want to purchase this hat.  Even if I wanted to own this ridiculous item, this guy is kind of scaring me away from wanting to buy it.

Ridiculousness...you win again -